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AXE TO GRIND Ken Barnard—a local stand-up comic, co-star of this year’s Rock Comedy and runner-up in the New York Comedy Festival’s Andy Kaufman Contest—lays down some phat riffs.

Fans of Chicago’s sketch, improv and stand-up shows heard their fair share of comedy this year. Before 2006 gets the hook, we (with help from local comics) bring back our favorite jokes for one last groan.

Ken Barnard “I wish I could be a centaur. Not so much because I would have the lower body of a horse, but because I would have the upper body of a man. I am skinny like a girl.”
The Lincoln Lodge

Jared Logan “Someone said to me recently, ‘You know, I like you now, but I hated you when I first met you.’ I said, ‘That’s so funny, because I hated you…starting right now.’?”
Star & Garter Burlesque: Stand-Up Comedy Showcase

Jeremy Sosenko “I don’t mean to sound politically incorrect, but the U.S. government has four branches.”
The Dollar Store

Emily Wilson “Now, Martha, honey, you might have some feelings in your…front butt.”
The Ragdolls’ Moist, I.O. Theater

Jason Shotts “Just because I don’t take it in the rectum / Doesn’t mean I can’t wear the color spectrum.”
Sketchcore’s Deep Inside Your Box, Apollo Theater

Becky Garcia “MySpace is like Heaven in that everyone’s there…only in this Heaven, everyone’s in a really crappy band.”
SpitFire Comedy Showcase

Dave Odd “War is not the answer, unless the question is, ‘How can I make all my oil and contracting company buddies billions of dollars?’?”
The Spectacular Show, Gorilla Tango Theatre

Ric Walter “I’m not a magician, but I’m constantly amazed!”
ComedySportz

TJ Jagodowski “You thinking about buying a Cadillac today, sir?”
Dave Pasquesi “No, I’m going to buy a Cadillac today. I’m thinking about pussy.”TJ & Dave, I.O. Theater
Tony Sam “My parents liked playing games with me as a kid. My favorite was this: They told me that the ice-cream truck only played its music when it was out of ice cream.”
Chicago Underground Comedy

Kumail Nanjiani “I’m going to name my kid Void, so he won’t be able to cash any of his paychecks.”
The People Under the Stares, Weeds

Bryan Bowden “Mr. President…”
Steve Gadlin “If a man has completed all those years of study, is he not afforded the title of doctor?”
BB “You want to be called Dr. President?”
SG “Father, Doctor, President Lincoln, KING OF THE JEWS!”
Pastor of Muppets, Playground Theater

Mike Bridenstine “I saw Pamela Anderson on Conan O’Brien, and she was complaining that she never does very well in the Maxim magazine Top 100 Sexiest Ladies list. She said the best she’d ever done was 16th. What a weird thing to be down about. Sixteenth sexiest in the world. Hey, Pam, I don’t think I’ve ever been 16th sexiest on a public bus.”
The Stand-up Squeeze, Pressure Billiards and Café

Jared Logan as the Demon “You have a face only your mother could love…if your mother was special-effects makeup artist Stan Winston.”
A Demon Who Never Appeared, Playground Theater

Robert Buscemi “Funny thing about penguins is if you cut one open, you think there should just be more penguin, like an eraser.”
The Lincoln Lodge

Fay Canale “My dad brought me home a Bud Light when I turned 21. One Bud Light. He was like, ‘I don’t know what you drink.’ I said, ‘More than that.’?”
Lenny Bruce’s T&A Thursdays

Noah Gregoropoulos “It wasn’t an abortion. He had her sit in a bathtub full of gin until she miscarried.”
Carl & The Passions, I.O. Theater