Jokeworthy

“I collect national-flag Speedos for swim trunks. When I wear Japan, people think I’m on my period.”

Robert Buscemi, departing Chicago comic

“I’m not doing so well financially. A few weeks ago, they shut off the electricity in my apartment. Then, three days ago, two guys from ComEd came over and blew out all my candles. I was pissed. I was just getting ready to make a wish.”

Prescott Tolk

“All my friends own property now, and talking to them, to be honest, was the first time I’d ever heard the word equity. I thought it was a type of drug. They’d say, ‘We bought the three-flat to create equity,’ and I’d say, ‘What, like, in the basement?’ ”

Adam Burke

“My dream is to create a lesbian glory hole. On one side I’d put my ear, and on the other someone would say things like, ‘You’re so pretty. Everybody likes you.’ ”
Jessica Halem

“I live in a bad neighborhood and used to carry pepper spray around, but I ran out recently. Do yourself a favor and don’t replace it with a pepper mill. It’s nowhere near the same thing. They mugged me, took the pepper mill and beat me with it. Even after I said, ‘When.’ ”
Michael Sanchez

“I have one of those hybrid vehicles: a mule.”

“Since I am a big black guy, I need clever ways to make myself seem less threatening to others. In my trial and error, I found that a Starbucks cup works…but you’ve got to remember to keep the lid on. Without it, you’re just a well-dressed black guy asking for loose change.”
Brian Babylon

“Cosmo had this article: ‘Seven Surprising Facts About Your Vajayjay.’ I resent vajayjay because it’s infantilizing. The cover of Men’s Health would never read: ‘Seven Surprising Facts About Your Panini.’ ”
Carrie Callahan

“I know a lot of you can tell by looking at me...I'm related to Thomas Jefferson.”
Baron Vaughn