Joke of the week

“I see that police were firing beanbag rounds at Occupy Wall Street protesters. That’s the wrong kind of ammunition to use against people who are that good at Hacky Sack.”—Adam Burke

“Someone told me you got to grab life by the balls. That’s the worst advice ever. You know what happens when you grab something by its balls? It beats the shit out of you until you let go.”—Kyle Kinane

“I once convinced a blind woman that I had a braille tattoo on my penis.”—Mike Kosta

“I saw two birds fighting over a piece of KFC chicken. All I could think was, after all my protesting and pamphleting and boycotting, what is it going to take to get these birds to start eating cage free?”—Lisa Laureta

“America really needs to switch to the metric system. A pop-up ad on a Canadian website asked me if I wanted a 30.48-centimeter erection, and I clicked ‘Unsure.’ ”—Dan Polydoris

“Recently I got pulled over for driving in the high-occupancy-vehicle lane. He gave me the big cop speech, ‘You know you have to have more than one person in the vehicle to drive in the HOV lane.’ I was like, ‘Check the trunk.’ ”—Doug Benson

“I just joined a gym for the first time. You can’t do that stuff in your apartment. You have those bursts of inspiration where suddenly you’re like, ‘I’m gonna do some sit ups.’ Then you just end up watching television lying down.”—Prescott Tolk

“Men are like weathermen. [We] tell you that night you’re going to get six to ten inches, then you wake up the next morning and realize you only got three to five.”—Ryan Singer

“My dad was a Chicago cabbie. I could never ask him for directions because he only knew the longest way to get there.”—Patti Vasquez

“When someone asks me what superpower I would have if I were a superhero, I tell them I already have one. I say I possess the preternatural ability to anticipate and avoid horrifically boring conversations. Then I walk away.”—Chad Briggs

“I found the girl that took my virginity on Facebook the other day. Her vagina was like my first bike. It was bright red, a little bit too big for me and my dad had to hold my hips steady at first because I kept falling off of it.”—Kurt Metzger

“I hate flossing. I went to the dentist last week and he asked me, ‘Exactly how many days has it been since the last time you flossed?’ And I said, ‘Exactly how many days are in 29 years?’” —Danny Kallas

“My bank has a hand-sanitizer dispenser in the waiting area. I use a lot to make up for the bailout.” —Paula Poundstone

“I like to play music during sex. But it’s mostly because my parents spent so much money on trumpet lessons.”—Ken Barnard

“My mother said to me, ‘Boy, please don’t tell me that you’re gay.’ I was like, ‘Gay? Please, I get tired bending over to tie my shoes.’”—Lavell Crawford

“I was downtown and the drunk tank picked me up. I was like, ‘Wait a minute, fellas, there’s a misunderstanding here. I’m not drunk. I have cerebral palsy.’ They were like, ‘That’s a pretty big word for a drunk guy.’”—Josh Blue

“Some people at work were saying if they had a clone they’d use it for spare kidneys. That’s ridiculous. If I had a clone, I’d use it to try on pants.”—Kristin Clifford

“My roommate got mad at me for having sex too loudly. This is always awkward because they’re looking for an apology, and you’re looking for a high five.”—Lauren Vino

“A new study has revealed that drinking tea after the age of 50 increases the risk of arthritis in women. Scientists say another big factor that increases the risk of arthritis: being 50.”—Ethan Peldo

“The worst thing about being agnostic is the rallies. You show up and it’s a bunch of guys with signs saying, “WE’RE NOT SURE!” “I HAVE DOUBTS!” “WHAT DO YOU THINK?” Our gang sign is a question mark.” —Adam Burke

“I was sitting at the bar, and I see this guy do the roofie move into my drink. When I reach for my drink, he whispers, ‘No! It’s for that girl.’ I’ve never been so offended. The nerve of someone I don’t even know to tell me they don’t want to rape me.”—Dara Katz

“In Washington, the FDA has reported that the first drug designed to boost the female sex drive failed to make a significant impact on libido in two studies. The third study was ruled inconclusive when the female subject refused to drink another vodka cranberry.”
—C.J. Toledano

“I don’t want to get boxer briefs because my underwear is the last thing my girlfriend sees before she has sex with me, and I don’t want her thinking the word brief. That’s why I get it on in long johns.”—Ryan Budds

“My sister and her boyfriend accidentally “planned” a baby. She’s only eating 300 more calories a day to accommodate the life-form growing inside her body. This is shocking to me, because I consume at least 1,000 more calories a day during a pregnancy scare.” —Beth Stelling

“Most pills are named after black girls I went to elementary school with. The three girls that gave me trouble in third grade were Levitra, Cialis and Boniva.”—Will Miles

“I saw a sign on a church that read, GIVE SATAN AN INCH, AND HE’LL BE A RULER. I think that just goes to show how arrogant we are here in America: We just assume Satan uses the same system of measurement as we do.”—Dave Odd

“Whenever I careen over our city's fine potholes, I make sure to bite my tongue hard enough to draw blood. I call this the Taste of Chicago.”—Cameron Esposito