Les Misérables | Movie review

Who am I? / Should I commend this cast for bravery? / Pretend I do not see its agony? / Jackman’s Valjean can’t quite sing on key. / And Crowe’s Javert deserves Razzies. / Must I lie? / Aren’t pundits predicting Oscar nods? / Having seen the film I think they’ll lower the odds.

Tom Hooper’s idea of cinematic / Is to pick a close-up and not keep it static. / Shake the camera! / Unfortunately it still looks like a play / With sets barely embellished from Broadway. / It’s likely fans will be dismayed / To gaze on that janky barricade.

Who am I? / Can liking Les Miz carry me through? / As though this were the best production they could do? / The decision to have actors sing on set / Should go down as a great regret. / It limits motion! / And each number plays like a gaffe. / As if Hooper forgot to choreograph.

A few of the songs redeem the evening / Notably Hathaway’s “I Dreamed a Dream” / Improved from trailer! / But how can one not simply weep / Without a single laugh from Baron Cohen’s innkeep?

How can I ever face my fellow scribes? / I wonder if Universal is offering bribes.

What to do? Two! Stars! For! Les! Miz! (With apologies to Boublil and Schönberg.)