Ask Debby Herbenick | Swinger wife, genital warts

Q My wife is bored with our sex life and wants to have sex with other people. It breaks my heart to think of her having sex with others. She keeps saying that I will like it, that all men secretly want to have group sex, but I don’t feel that way. Am I missing some male gene that should want us to go out and have sex with half of Chicago?
A You’re not missing a male gene. Many men experience sexual jealousy, whereas women are often more jealous about their partner developing strong emotional connections or having “emotional affairs” (though either situation can be hurtful to either sex). If you’re not into outside sex, tell her and do so with love and compassion, trying to deal with any fears you may have of losing her. If you’d consider a compromise, such as having sex together at a sex club in front of other people (but not with other people) to enhance her level of adventure, let her know that too. Take things slowly, making sure to be on the same page if you go to a sex club, and stick to your agreements. Later on, if you mutually agree to take it up a notch the next time, with her or you kissing someone else or touching someone’s breasts or penis, you can. But do tread carefully, mindful of what matters to each of you about your marriage. You might find it helpful to read Opening Up (Cleis Press, $17.95) or The Ethical Slut (Celestial Arts, $16.99) before proceeding (and some couples, after reading these, decide to stay monogamous).

Q My partner swears that I gave him genital warts, even though he says he only has one bump, but I’ve never seen it before. If he does have genital warts, can I get those warts, too, by having unprotected sex with him?
A Unless a person has had one and only one sexual partner, they probably can’t know with any certainty who gave them genital warts. Warts can take weeks, months or even years to show up. If your boyfriend noticed a bump on his penis, he should get it checked out by a health-care provider to verify that it’s actually a genital wart and not a pimple or some other random little bump. If he does have genital warts, he should talk to his health-care provider about treatment options. Some advise a “wait and see” approach, as warts often go away on their own. Others advise treating warts with a topical cream, or they may even freeze them off. Even if your boyfriend gets treated for genital warts, he can still pass them to you—unless, of course, you already have them. If you’ve received the Gardasil vaccine, then it’s very unlikely that he could pass genital warts to you as Gardasil guards against the HPV strains that cause about 90 percent of genital-wart cases. And while condoms cannot fully protect against HPV, they do offer good protection, so you might consider using them.

Q I’m curious to know if sexual-abuse victims have a heightened sex drive. I was abused when I was in seventh grade, and although I’m in college now and seeing a counselor about this, I didn’t feel comfortable asking her questions regarding sex.
A Good question. Let me put it this way: It’s normal for women (and men) to have a high sex drive, whether they were abused or not. Some women who have been abused or assaulted have a high sex drive; and others have a very low sex drive (perhaps because of their previous trauma). Many are in the middle. There is nothing about sexual abuse that would necessarily make you have a higher sex drive, although it’s true that sometimes abuse survivors make certain associations to sexual arousal (for example, some people who were abused by older men might develop a thing for older men). There are two good resources that I often recommend to abuse survivors. One book is The Courage to Heal (Harper, $22.99), which is pretty broad in what it covers. The second is the book Becoming Orgasmic (Fireside, $16); although it was written for women who want to learn to have orgasms, it covers a lot of ground, including issues related to sexuality and having been abused. Many women—especially young women—have high sex drives. Unfortunately, the societal stereotype of women being disinterested in sex, widely depicted in sitcoms that show a horny husband and a wife who’s “meh” about sex, can make women wonder if something is wrong with them or if they’re “nymphos” when really, they’re just sexually responsive young humans who like and crave sex. My advice? Enjoy it!

Q I am ready for sex, and it’ll be my first time but I’m not sure what will happen in terms of bleeding. Will the bleeding stop after a few days? Will things be okay for me? I want to be sure, in case bad things might happen, like STDs.
A If you’re worried about sexually transmissible infections, here are a few things you should know: First, condoms are the only device we have to protect people who have sex against some—but not all—STI. Condoms offer very good protection against chlamydia, gonorrhea and HIV. They can’t, however, offer full protection against the human papillomavirus (HPV) or herpes. So, if and when you have sex with your boyfriend, use a condom from start to finish. That means: The condom should go on his penis before his penis touches your genitals (no “just the tip” game!) and the condom shouldn’t come off until his penis is 100 percent out of your vagina or anus. Got it? You should also get tested for STI together before you have sex. Even if he says he has been tested for STI and HIV, get tested together and insist on hearing each other’s results from the health-care provider. Then use condoms anyway for the first few months (if not longer), as HIV test results are not entirely clear for months after a person’s last unprotected act of oral, vaginal or anal sex. If you don’t want to become pregnant, please use a reliable form of birth control in addition to condoms (see plannedparenthood.com for options). When you have vaginal sex for the first time, you might bleed. Not all women notice blood at all, while some women bleed quite a lot the first time. I’d encourage you to visit your health-care provider before you have sex and let your doctor know that you’re planning to have sex. They can talk to you about birth control and may have free condoms to give to you. Finally, talk to your boyfriend extensively before you have sex. What do you both want from sex? How do you want it to feel? Romantic? Sexy? Energetic? Gentle? Do you expect to stay together for a long time? What does it mean to both of you to have sex? It may seem like a lot to talk about, but physical things are only part of sex; much of what sex does for people is mental, and it can help to talk first.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.

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