Ask Debby Herbenick | Are wet dreams normal for an adult?

Q I’m a mid-thirties guy with a very active sex life with my boyfriend of five years. I masturbate often and we have sex at least once a week. And yet I still have wet dreams—have for years; I’ve had three in the past five months. Should I be worried about any health issues?
A Unless you had a wet dream while thinking about Bill O’Reilly, I wouldn’t worry. Adult men sometimes have wet dreams (called “nocturnal ejaculations” in science speak) for reasons that are not well understood. And yes, even when they masturbate or have frequent sex. Now, if you were masturbating or trying to get it on with your boyfriend while sleeping and didn’t remember any of it the next day, I might recommend you check in with a sleep specialist as some people experience episodes of “sexsomnia” that have been linked to irregular sleep patterns.

Q I am a sophomore in college; I have a question that I was hoping you could answer. After I masturbate I usually have a shower to “clean up.” Recently my girlfriend told me that most guys just wipe up with a tissue and wash their hands. Is she right? What do most guys do?
A Although I don’t know of any scientific studies of men’s post-masturbation clean-up behaviors, I would venture to guess that your girlfriend is correct that most men use a tissue or a hand towel or even a sock (yes, I’ve seen this happen) to wipe up after masturbating. Then again, some guys mostly masturbate while they shower for easy clean-up purposes. If you like to shower after you masturbate, enjoy yourself! Just because it’s less common doesn’t mean it’s wrong. If you find it gets in the way of your sexual pleasure—for example, maybe you want to masturbate late at night but don’t want to have to take yet another shower—then maybe you could live a little and see if it would feel all right to use a hand towel dampened with warm water to clean up.

Q My partner and I have been fucking for months. I always thought everything was great, about a nine out of a ten as far as things go. He’ll do whatever it takes to get me off, like rubbing my clit, using a vibrator during intercourse, going down on me, etc. It’s like he can read my clit and knows what it wants. I always thought he liked our sex life, too, but he confided in me the other day that he feels like something is missing for him. He said he feels like I don’t really do much for him when it comes to making him come during sex. It’s like he’s the one doing all the work and pumping away; he comes that way, but he wants me to be the one doing it to him—like moving my body in a way that gets him off, not him having to do it every single time. I get what he’s saying, but if I change things up too much it will take the focus off my clit and then sex feels kind of boring and mechanical to me. I kind of want to go back to where I thought everything was good with us, and I don’t know why it matters who gets who off as long as we both get off. You know what I’m saying? What do you think?
A What if sex didn’t have to be so focused on orgasm? What if, for at least some of the time during penile-vaginal intercourse, you decided to move your body in a way to please him even if it meant that your clitoris wasn’t getting the attention it craves for orgasm? Could that not be fun and pleasurable in its own right? Your partner may feel as if he’s basically masturbating into your vagina if he feels as though he’s the only one caring about his pleasure. Can you care about his pleasure and also care about your own? Can you take turns, trading off who does “the work” (which can be more playful than it sounds)? You might, for example, squeeze your pelvic floor muscles in ways that tighten around his penis—look for his reaction, it can be fun! Or tilt your hips in a way that provides more stimulation to the top side or underside of his penis. You could also slide your vagina on his penis to massage it in an up-and-down kind of way. It can be fun to pleasure a partner, especially if you really like him a lot and want him to feel good. Which brings me to my next question: Do you really like him? I mean, sincerely like him and lust after him and want to please him? Or is this just about getting your needs met? These are important questions to consider.

Q I have two questions regarding pregnancy. First: My girlfriend and I were fooling around. I ejaculated over her legs from a hand job and not once entered her vagina (I’m a virgin). After that I went into the shower and washed my penis with soap. She later joined me in the shower, and my question is whether she could be pregnant from pre-ejaculate pushing sperm out and having it swim through the water to her vagina. My second question: My girlfriend fingered herself with my pre-ejaculate (I did not come). What are the chances of pregnancy in both these cases?
A I’m not too worried about the hand job/shower combo. Sperm don’t latch on to downward-drifting shower droplets and climb up into the vagina. And if you were standing up and hugging, then her vagina would be facing downward and likely concealed by her mons (the triangular, sometimes hair-covered area) and labia (vaginal lips), so the sperm would really have to work their way in there somehow. If you were hugging and your penis rubbed ejaculate in between her legs, then there would be a risk of pregnancy. However it sounds as if you had already washed the ejaculate off your penis, so there’s no risk. As for your second question, why would your girlfriend finger herself with your pre-come? She did this on purpose? And were you just sitting there thinking how cool this was? Because that’s not a great idea if you two don’t want to become parents. The risk of pregnancy is low, because pre-ejaculatory fluids don’t contain sperm in and of themselves (the fluids come from glands called Cowper’s glands that lie at the base of the penis inside the body). And yet every now and then there are leftover sperm that get picked up and carried away by the pre-ejaculatory fluids. But take this advice: If you two don’t want to become parents, avoid getting either semen or pre-come anywhere near the vagina. Also, look into using condoms during your sex play and/or using other effective methods of birth control such as the birth control pill, patch, shot or ring. Check out PlannedParenthood.com for info.

Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., M.P.H., is a research scientist at Indiana University, sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.