Ask Debby Herbenick | Female ejaculation, penis size check, anal virgins and total virgins

Q As a woman, I have a problem that is causing a lot of difficulty in my relationship with my boyfriend. Basically, I orgasm when we have sex, but I never ejaculate. Not once. What is wrong with me? He is frustrated and so am I.
A Most women do not ejaculate when they have orgasms. The fact that you don’t squirt liquid from your urethra, then, is not a reflection of you being “broken” or dysfunctional or having any sort of sexual problem. You have a sexually responsive body that allows you to experience orgasm with a partner, and many women would love to be in your shoes in that sense. Further, ejaculating during orgasm is not a sign of having a more intense or powerful orgasm. It’s just a different experience of orgasm—no better and no worse. We don’t fully understand why some women release larger amounts of fluid during sexual excitement or orgasm than others, nor do I know of a good way to “teach” women to do this. Some books and online videos purport to teach women how to do it. However, many sex educators, scientists and doctors I know fear that such directions are often aimed at teaching women to bear down on their pelvic floor muscles, which can weaken them. Others worry that it’s essentially teaching women to pee during sex rather than ejaculate. Considering that some research suggests women have different amounts of prostate-like tissue that may be related to female ejaculation, there’s a sense that some women may have the ability to ejaculate and others may not. If that’s the case, then some women—no matter how hard they try to ejaculate—may never do so. My best advice is to not worry about doing it and instead try to focus your attention on what you enjoy about your sexuality and your shared sex life with your boyfriend. If you want to learn more about it, and possibly try out some tips, check out The G Spot: And Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality (Holt, $17). You and your boyfriend might also benefit from learning more about sex together. Sometimes misinformation and myths about sex cause people to feel bad about their sex lives, which is a shame.

Q My husband and I want tohave anal sex but I’m notsure what type of lube to buy.Any suggestions?
A Sex educators like me used to push silicone lube for anal sex, as it lasts longer and the anus doesn’t self-lubricate (unlike the vagina). Then in 2010, my research team at Indiana University and I published a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in which we found that anal sex with water-based lubricant had higher sexual satisfaction ratings than anal sex with silicone-based lubricant. That said, anal sex with either lubricant type was rated highly in terms of pleasure and satisfaction, so I still think it’s mostly a matter of personal preference. Good Clean Love is a pretty fantastic lubricant, as are K-Y Liquid, Pink and Just Like Me. All of these can be found locally as well as online. All that said, pleasurable sex is about way more than finding the right lube. It’s about finding the right sex position, starting small and slow, talking things out first, and using anal pleasuring techniques to your advantage (fingers, toys, etc.), before you ever green-light a penis into the anus. Check out my downloadable e-book, The Good in Bed Guide to Anal Pleasuring (Good in Bed, $5.95). Kindles everywhere have never been the same.

Q My penis is six inches.Is that considered long by most women?
A Most women who have seen multiple penises probably wouldn’t consider a six-inch-long penis monumentally large. However, they would likely consider it above average or sufficiently large. Scientific research shows that, on average, men’s erect penises are about 5.1 to 5.8 inches long. That puts your penis on the large size. Are there some men who have larger penises than you? Yes. Keep in mind, though, that many of the seven-, eight- and nine-inchers write to me because they find it difficult to find a sex partner who can have comfortable, pleasurable oral, vaginal or anal sex with them. Bigger penises have that certain “wow” factor in porn, but bigger is not always better, easier or easier for a partner to look at and genuinely say, “I want that inside of me!” Make the most of what you have by learning solid sexual technique and trying to connect with your partner on whatever level you like (if it’s a romantic relationship, try to be sweet and share feelings; if it’s a lusty fling, have at it).

Q I have a small vaginal tear from a tampon two weeks ago. I have never had anything up there. It hurt going in. I am a virgin. Anyway, I got married eight days ago and we can’t have sex until I heal. What do I do? How can it heal faster?
A Small vaginal tears typically heal within a day or two or three, as long as one doesn’t further irritate them with things like tampons, fingers, penises or sex toys. Truly, giving the vagina some downtime is typically one of the best things you can do to promote healing from tiny cuts. If you’ve been letting your vagina be and it still feels irritated, painful or if the cut is as present as ever, you should check in with your health-care provider. There may be underlying reasons you are more prone to vaginal tearing (tampon use doesn’t normally cause tears) or why it isn’t healing properly. There may also be other health issues going on—perhaps what you think is pain or discomfort due to a cut is really pain or discomfort due to something else, like a yeast infection or some other health issue. For more information about vaginal and vulvar health, get comfy with one of my favorite vagina books (and I have several): The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health (Bantam, $17).

Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., M.P.H., is a research scientist at Indiana University, sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good. Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.