Ask Debby Herbenick | Masturbation and that fishy smell

Q: In a recent column you said that some men masturbate so long that they wear the skin off parts of their penis. My questions: (1) Does that really happen? and (2) What's the longest duration of masturbation that you've heard of?

A: (1) Yes, it really does happen, but it's not just masturbation. People sometimes have intercourse for so long that it scrubs off some genital skin, so be careful out there! (2) The longest masturbation times I've personally heard about are six hours from a man and seven hours from a woman. Most people, of course, are more efficient, but I'm always interested in your experiences, so feel free to share.

Q I'm writing about the woman whose boyfriend gets up from bed during/after sex and comes back with wet feet. One of your ideas was that he could be cleaning his feet and not his dick, and I wanted to say that you may have hit the nail on the head there. I've had a lifelong, embarrassing problem with smelly feet. There have definitely been times when I had to get up out of bed to wash them, and for a while I avoided telling girlfriends about it. Thanks for realizing that not all sex problems are about sex.

A: Thanks for your note, and sorry about your condition. Feet are tricky things—they have a great number of sweat glands compared to other body parts. That, combined with the potentially very warm temperature inside shoes and socks, can make for rough smells. I sometimes think that if we could all become more comfortable with the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of people's bodies, we'd have a much richer human experience—and maybe better sexual experiences, too. Sex can get pretty steamy and, before you know it, there's sweat, saliva, vaginal fluids, ejaculate, and all kinds of funny noises and faces. That said, there are some smells that are over the top and treatment is fortunately often available. For smelly feet, your health-care provider is a good place to start, though he or she might refer you to a specialist (e.g., podiatrist or endocrinologist), depending on the suspected cause. For other smell issues, read on.

Q: I started dating this total knockout about two months ago, and things were going great until we started having sex. I'm the kind of man who loves to go down on a woman—it's one of the best things about sex, in my opinion. The problem is that when I went down, she smelled like bad fish. I've heard of vaginas smelling like fish before but I never believed it because the women I've gone down on have all smelled sweet. I've tried to get over it, I've made excuses, I even tried to introduce food into sex but she still smells like fish. I think I could really love this woman, and I'm obviously attracted to her, so what can I do about the smell?

A: I love hearing from men who adore vulvas and vaginas. I wish you'd form some sort of vulva fan club, so we could hear more good things about women's privates rather than stupid jokes that suggest all women's genitals smell like bad fish. Infact, vaginas do occasionally smell fishy, but it's generally a sign that something's amiss. For example, a woman might have bacterial vaginosis (BV), an imbalance of bacteria in a woman's vagina (not an infection) that often responds well to treatment. Trichomoniasis (or trich, which is pronounced like "trick") is a condition that can also cause fishy smells, but unlike BV, trich is sexually transmitted and both partners should therefore be tested. Whether it's one of these conditions or something different, you might suggest that your girlfriend visit her health-care provider particularly because some conditions (like BV and trich) can cause problems if left untreated for long.

While there's no good way to tell a sex partner that he or she smells bad, some ways are kinder than others. Perhaps—during a totally nonsexual time—you could say something like, "I feel awkward saying this, but when I've gone down on you I've noticed a scent that's similar to one an ex-girlfriend had, and we later found out that she had a medical condition. Have you noticed anything?" If you don't want to use the ex-girlfriend line, perhaps say that you read about it or had a female friend describe a similar scent. Avoid words like "odor" and "smell"; "scent" sounds nicer. She might feel hurt or get defensive, so be prepared with kindness, compassion and empathy. If she makes an appointment with her health-care provider, it'll be important that she arrive with her day-to-day scent, rather than try to cover it up with feminine-hygiene sprays. Smells can actually help a gynecologist make a better diagnosis.

If you absolutely cannot approach her about her scent, then leave this issue of TOC open to this page laying around. A final note to TOC readers about smell: Yes, vaginas have a scent. No, it's usually not bad. As our vagina connoisseur pointed out, there are many wonderful things about vaginas and they often smell quite lovely. While some companies would have women believe that vaginas need to be cleaned out or freshened up, products like douches, scented pads and feminine-hygiene sprays may actually cause genital irritation. Washing up with water and your hand is a gentle approach to these gentlest of parts. If you need more info about vulvovaginal self-care, BV, trich or odor issues, check out The V Book: A Doctor's Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health (Bantam, $13.95). Viva la vulva!