Ask Debby Herbenick - Do I masturbate too much?

Q: How much is too much masturbation? I've always felt like I did it more than other guys my age and that hasn't changed as I've entered my thirties. I still whip it out once or twice a day. I know I won't go blind, but am I some kind of freak for doing it so much?

A: While most men don't masturbate every day,many do and you're one of them. Some people grab a drink, go to the gym or have intercourse every day. You, on the other hand, masturbate. There's really noamount of masturbation during a day, week, year orlifetime that qualifies you as a freak. If you're comfortable with your masturbation habits andthey're not causing problems in your life or others'lives, then more power to you.

Not sure what I mean by problems? Occasionally men masturbate (or have intercourse) so often in a day, or for such a long period of time, that they literally wear the skin off some parts of their penis. This is particularly problematic when it occurs repeatedly, leaving the skin without time to heal.

Masturbation and other kinds of sex (or non-sex) hobbies can present a problem if they interfere with work, school or relationships. If you're consistently late for work because you're masturbating, maybe you have to wake up earlier, or wait until after work (making the problem more about time management than masturbation). If you were masturbating in public places or breaking into homes or offices to masturbate, I'd suggest getting in touch with a sex therapist to learn more about your motivations and to develop strategies for masturbating in ways that don't scare others or put you at risk of a prison sentence.

If you were very old or had weak bones, I'd suggest masturbating in a seated position to avoid falling and breaking your hip (true story—I know a surgeon who had such a patient). You might want to read The Big Book of Masturbation (Down There Press, $22) by Martha Cornog, who presents this common behavior from a variety of perspectives: medicine, sociology, pop culture, psychology, humor and more—without a single chapter on "freakishness." Enjoy.

Q: I have a problem with my dick—it's 11 inches long and 8 inches around when it's hard, and pretty big even when it's soft. I know I should be thrilled, but I'm not. Finding a woman who can manage sex with me has been nearly impossible, and at 36 I'm tired of it. I welcome any advice you have as long as you don't tell me how lucky I am to have such a big dick.

A: Culturally speaking, we're strangely focused on big penises, and I don't think that's good for anyone. Most guys feel small even if they have an average-size penis (5 to 6 inches long), and those on the big side aren't taken seriously when they seek help for penis-related problems.

I'm sorry your penis size causes problems for you. You might want to connect with other men through the Large Penis Support Group site (www.lpsg.org), where men share tips for comfortable sex, bathing suits that offer good "containment," locker room stares and sitting on the toilet without dipping into the water.

Since you're into sex with women, let's talk vaginas. One cool thing about a vagina is that it looks out not only for the woman, but also for the penis that occa-sionally visits. When a woman is sexually aroused, her vagina "tents," growing longer and wider. Pay close attention to your next partner's physical and emotional needs (like what makes her feel excited, sexy and safe) and her vagina may make a little room for you.

Also during sexual arousal, women produce natural lubrication, but that doesn't mean you should ditch store-bought lube. Lube is particularly useful—even critical—when you're working with a big penis or long periods of penetration. Water- and silicone-based lubes are fine to use with latex condoms, but oil-based lubes can weaken latex and cause condom breakage. Before penetrating, smooth lube on your condom-clad penis (if no condom is being used, then you apply lube directly on the penis) as well as around and slightly inside your partner's vaginal opening. Lubing can even be fun and arousing—both the doing and the watching—and some consider it a lovely part of foreplay.

Lube works well with boy toys, too, like the Super Stretch (see photo at www.timeoutchicago.com/in_and_out), which can enhance masturbation or partnered sex. Once you're lubed up, slip the Super Stretch toward the base of your penis and, if you're both up for intercourse, partner-on-top (POT) may be easiest. The Super Stretch (available at www.pureromance.com for $25) provides the sensation of a full-length fit, but she's faced with fewer inches than the nearly 12 that you're packing. POT is also a wise position for men with big penises because it gives partners more control over an otherwise daunting, and possibly painful, situation.

I'll suggest, too, that you think outside the box and consider sex acts other than vaginal intercourse. There's a wide range of activities to explore, including oral and anal play (not necessarily penetration), erotic massage, sex games, kissing, stripteases, toy play, power play and self/partnered masturbation.

On the unconventional side, have you considered posting a personal ad for a woman who wants to be super-sized? Some will find it vulgar, but you may find a woman who wants what you've got. If there are other issues (communication skills, trust issues) that are holding you back, that's another story; but if it's just your size, then perhaps this is a start. If any readers have suggestions for more comfortable big-penis sex, I'll publish them in a future issue of TOC. Good luck.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, MPH c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.