In & Out

Q: When I read the guy matter-of-factly talking about “the woman flat on her back and me above” while in the 69 position [In&Out, TOC 63] I thought I saw a misprint. The many times I’ve 69’d, I’m on my back while my honey is sitting on my face. I NEVER thought I should be on top. Interesting…

A: Though this is a comment, not a question, I thought we should celebrate our 69th issue with a lead-in item about the 69 position. Plus, it’s a great example about the myriad ways we experience our sexuality and how we often think that what we ourselves do is what everyone else is doing. However, the “69” position really just refers to mutual oral sex done in various positions thanks to human imagination and flexibility—just like other sex positions. As we’ve dealt with 69 in recent issues, this week I’ll branch out and—by way of celebration of this hallmark issue—share a super-fun sex position that either same- or opposite-sex couples can try. Instructions and a how-to diagram are available in an auto-response if you e-mail sexposition1@timeoutchicago.com.

Q: My girlfriend lives out of town and we see each other every few weeks. She enjoys performing oral sex on me and swallowing my semen. One night, while talking long-distance, she suggested that I masturbate in her absence, and collect and freeze my loads in a jar for her to swallow the next time she was in town. I thought she was kidding, but thought, “Why not?” I got a small glass jelly jar, washed it out thoroughly and got to work. After each shot, I would replace the jar in the freezer. My question is: Are there any health issues we should worry about? I have been tested and have no STIs or HIV, and I do not have sex with others. I’ve tried Internet research, but as far as I know, we’ve hit on a unique sex practice here. I worry about spoilage and bacteria. I know this is pretty far out, but she gets so turned on by the practice, and I get so turned on seeing her get so turned on by it. Please advise.

A: I’ll admit that this was a first for me. Luckily, I am resourceful. I located a professor who is a bacteriologist with expertise in food spoilage issues, and thankfully he took me seriously enough to answer my questions. However, keep in mind that, as I’m sure you can guess, no one to our knowledge has actually studied ejaculate spoilage in this context, so his responses were a “best guess” based on his expertise. Therefore, whatever you do is still at your and your girlfriend’s own risk (and please consider this as information, not advice). Though you are STI-free, he said that you two were right to worry about bacterial issues, as ejaculate is not sterile. He felt like freezing is probably the best form of “storage” one could reasonably try, but he seemed wary of the thaw and re-freeze strategy. This was a fascinating question and I certainly learned something new—thanks for keeping me on my toes. And if there are any other microbiologists or bacteriologists out there who would like to add their two cents, please feel free—your expertise is welcome.

Q: Help! For the past two years my boyfriend and I have had a pretty good sexual relationship. There is only one problem: I’m unable to get him to climax during oral sex. I think his curved penis is the problem. No pun intended, but I just can’t seem to get my mouth around it! I know that this is not just my problem, because he’s told me about others who have tried and failed. With his birthday approaching, I’d love to be the one to make him explode! Any tips would be appreciated.

A: I like questions like this one because I think there is definitely hope for you, your boyfriend and his penis. Most people mean well and want nothing more than to please their sex partner(s). And let’s face it, there’s often a bit of ego involved, as we want to be the first person to make our partner do something (e.g., orgasm from oral sex, have a multiple orgasm or go thrice in one night). The problem with this determination, however, is that goal-oriented sex often results in us focusing so much on one outcome that we lose sight of the pleasure that sex can bring, and end up feeling like we “failed” if we didn’t meet our goal (in this case, if orgasm doesn’t happen from oral sex). So first, consider changing your goal to one of giving him a sexually pleasurable night rather than an oral-sex orgasm. Can you try for an oral-sex orgasm? Of course you can. But some men have difficulty coming from oral sex, even with awesome technique, particularly if they have a string of no-go blow jobs in their past that sets them up to think it’s not going to happen. As far as technique, it’s worth knowing that the most sensitive part of a man’s penis is typically the nerve-rich head. Instead of focusing on downing the whole thing, which may be uncomfortable or impossible, consider licking the head with a flat tongue, licking up and down the shaft, licking the frenulum (the triangular area of skin on the bottom side of the penis, just below the head) and playing with his testicles and scrotum (again, with your fingers and/or tongue). Experiment with different rhythms and pressures and see what feels good. You might say that for his birthday, you want to give him great sex, and see if he wants to try oral sex with no pressure to come (pressure often prevents orgasm). Tell him that you simply want to play and to try different things, asking him for feedback along the way. Also, ask him to tell you when he wants to move on to something else (e.g., massage, anal play, vaginal intercourse, performing oral sex on you, etc). Keep sex fun, adventurous and focused on pleasure (not outcomes), and it should be a memorable birthday.

Q: As a geriatrician, I want to thank you for mentioning, in your response to the person whose mother was making increasingly sexual comments, that this change could be a symptom of more serious health problems [In & Out, TOC 66]—including “losing her mind” (developing dementia). I would add that I wouldn’t wait for further “major” changes before checking in with other family and her health-care provider; it should be emphasized that the additional changes you mention (memory loss, irritability, changes in sleep or exercise) can be subtle and should not be written off as “old age,” as we commonly encounter. Sexual comments in particular may reflect disease processes in the frontal lobe or deeper limbic structures, which can lead to disinhibition. Because of this, other warning signs can be disregard for personal care and making mistakes with finances or excessive spending. Also, if families bring these concerns to health-care providers who then say, “Don’t worry, its just old age,” then they should get a second opinion from a neurologist or a geriatrician.

A: Thanks for sharing your expertise. For those readers who are unclear, a geriatrician is a doctor who specializes in the health issues and diseases most common among older men and women. This should not be confused with someone who claims to be a gerontophiliac (i.e., someone who has sexual attraction toward the elderly). Before anyone e-mails me to ask, yes, there are related porn sites. Happy Googling.