In & Out

Q: Here I am again! A year ago I wrote and complained that I couldn’t have orgasms when I wore condoms [In & Out, TOC 25], and you recommended some for me to use. I took your advice and tried everything from lambskin to zebra bladders. Nothing worked. I’m sure I’m not the only guy who has this problem. You would be our hero (heroine?) if you told us how to keep our pokers sensitive while clothed in rubber.

A: This wasn’t enough info, so I hit back with a few questions: (1) When you do not use condoms, what percent of the time are you able to easily orgasm? His response was, “Never a failure when I didn’t use condoms.” (2) If you feel comfortable sharing, what are the dimensions (roughly) of your penis (“Penis is normal size”)? (3) Do you add on your own lubricant when you use condoms (“I don’t use lubricant”)? (4) On a scale of one to ten (one meaning not at all frustrated/annoyed, and ten meaning very frustrated/annoyed), how frustrated or annoyed do you feel when you are putting on a condom (“one”) and when you are wearing a condom during sex (“ten”)?

Here are my thoughts. First, I didn’t suggest animal-skin condoms (zebra bladders? Why not go for the spotted lemur?) because they may not offer protection against sexually transmitted infections. I did, however, recommend polyurethane condoms (which may make sex feel warmer) and TheyFit condoms (www.condomania.com), which are custom-sized to fit the length and circumference of a man’s erect penis and may feel more comfortable than standard condoms. C-O-M-F-O-R-T may spell O-R-G-A-S-M for you. I also suggested roomier-in-the-head condoms, like the Inspiral brand. Another brand to consider is Pleasure Plus, which is roomy at the head and the sensitive frenulum (on the underside of the penis). Some men report greater sensitivity—and more orgasmic potential—with these condoms. And finally, I want to resuggest lube because you say you’re not using any. The amount of lubricant found in lubricated condoms is rarely sufficient. However, adding extra lube to your condom may be the key because it can make condom-clad sex feel more natural, slippery and wet. Since a bad lube job can make sex unsafe by causing a condom to slip off, check this out: Applying a nickel-size dab of lube to the outside of the entire condom can reduce friction during intercourse and allow for more slip and slide. Also, try placing one or two small dabs of lube to the head of the penis (before putting the condom on); it can really enhance sensation. Experiment with different lubes, but only use water- or silicone-based ones if you’re using latex condoms (oil-based products can cause condom breakage). Finally, the fact that you get so incredibly frustrated/annoyed while wearing a condom may suggest that past experiences with lack of orgasm have set you up for a cycle of frustration and failure. If you’re feeling frustrated during sex, then the best condoms and lube in the world may not help. Meeting a few times with a sex therapist (locate one at www.aasect.org) may help change this. Though perhaps less than ideal, you can also use a condom for intercourse and then pull out and orgasm via your or your partner’s hand until you’re in a relationship when you feel comfortable, committed and infection-free enough to forgo condoms. Good luck.

Q: I am currently single. After dating a girl long enough to know which night will be the night, I will take a Viagra before going out. When the time comes and we are getting busy, I can usually go for hours, giving the girl six-plus orgasms during the evening of fun. I don’t tell them how or why I can go for such a long time and give them the best set of orgasms of their lives. I just let them enjoy themselves. Is this wrong to deceive them with such pleasure? I started taking Viagra on a per-situation basis because I had health problems in my twenties, and I sometimes have problems staying up for more than a couple of rides. I am now 37 and have been doing Viagra for about a year. I have not seen some of these girls for more than one night of fun, but I am afraid that if I get into a committed relationship I may disappoint them when I don’t use the pill. Without the pill I can usually go two rounds in a night. Let me know what you think.

A: I am sorry to say this, but I doubt that most of these women have had six or more orgasms per night. I don’t doubt your prowess; you may be a total stallion. However, only a minority of women experience orgasms during intercourse with any regularity, and even fewer do so during sex with a new partner. These things take time. Rare intercourse orgasms coupled with the fact that many women prefer shorter bouts (10 to 30 minutes) of intercourse suggests—to me, anyway—that either you’ve hit upon an incredibly unusual group of women, or (more likely) these women fake their orgasms to get you to stop. Again, I am not saying you are bad in bed. But it’s a vagina, not a tennis ball—you can only hit it so many times—and hours of penetration can mean major vaginal soreness or pain. Which may explain why at least one of these women has not been back for repeat performances. Perhaps you’re the one who doesn’t return calls, but hours of penetration suggests (again, to me) that at least one or two of these women may have wanted you to stop sooner than your Viagra-infused penis wanted to. As for the myth that men should be able to last for multiple rounds, the reality is that penile-vaginal intercourse tends to last minutes—not hours—and one or two bouts is enough for most couples. Sure, they might want more, but there are good reasons why men have a long refractory period that prevents endless erections per night (see Sore Vagina section, above). If you are 37 and still going two rounds a night, you are a lucky, unusual man. Yay for you! You may have gone five times in a night pre–health problems, but don’t blame the decrease on your health—it’s likely age related (this commonly happens to men as they age). Your sexual functioning is prime time, but perhaps you need to relax about sex and be happy with what you’ve got. In other words, consider nixing the Viagra. You may be setting yourself up for relationship failure by misrepresenting yourself, or sexual failure, by making yourself so anxious about non-Viagra sex, that the anxiety about disappointing your partner may cause subsequent ejaculation or erection problems. Most women like sex, but we’re often more concerned about relationship issues like being on time, calling when you say you will, attentiveness, kindness to our friends and the like. Those are far bigger relationship make-or-break issues than your erections. And honestly, your twice-nightly erections paired with your enthusiasm for pleasing your partner sound like a tantalizing combination to me. Relax and enjoy the ride.