In & Out

Q: I am a gay man who’s seriously into rimming, but I never get to enjoy this activity as much as I would like because my partner is usually not ready. He cleans himself, but not as thoroughly as I would like. Whenever he asks me why I don’t do it more often (he enjoys this activity as well), I usually say I’m tired or not in the mood for it rather than embarrass both of us with the truth. How can I tactfully tell him to wash so we can really get down to business?

A: So your boyfriend’s butt is not as tidy as you’d like it to be. What’s so terrible about telling him you’d like to both wash up (yes, you too) before sex? Personally, I think that since butts are known to have fecal matter on them, it’s not exactly unexpected that someone might want a little extra hygienic care before taking the rimming plunge. People generally like to stick their tongues into or around tasty things and butts are no different. Get creative and think of ways to suggest a prewash. Perhaps, “Your butt is awesome, but you know I’m a clean freak. Can we wash up together first?” or even just, “Let’s wash up our rosebuds first!” I know, I’m not big on the rosebud terminology, either, but I have a friend who is, so it’s more of a shout-out than a suggestion. Heck, make the prewash part of your foreplay. Tell your man in no uncertain terms that you have been thinking all day about giving him a rim job. Drag him into the shower, go down on his penis, turn him around, pull his erect penis through his legs for a reverse licking (most guys are cool with this, but tread carefully just in case) and then seductively clean his pucker.

If you use flavored lube on each other’s butts or if you do the whole fire-and-ice game involving hot tea and ice cubes (e-mail me if you need specifics), then prep with a washcloth and maybe even trim each other’s butt hairs first, if that is fun foreplay to you. It sounds like you’re in a committed relationship, but even committed partners sometimes use plastic wrap—condoms cut in half lengthwise or plastic wrap as barriers—if that’s an option (like if you cannot bring up the washing issue or if you simply want the safety that barriers provide). Enemas are another option, although they need to be done with more care and preparation than a simple shower-down. Check out Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women (Down There Press, $18) for detailed tips related to cleanliness, communication and techniques.

I guess the bottom line is this: Sex involves things like genitals and the butt and these parts may need a little extra care from time to time. You’re right to tread carefully so as not to offend, but at what expense? You have a boyfriend whose butt you are dying to lick and who wants your tongue action so much that he asks you what’s up. Carpe diem, man. Don’t waste another day.

Q: My husband and I are “large and in charge” kind of people. He weighs about 350 pounds and I am somewhere around 230. Although we were never small people to begin with, we have each gained a number of pounds over the years and this has made sex more difficult. The positions that used to get us going don’t work so much anymore. At our sizes, we may not be all that attractive to other people, but we are still attracted to each other. Can you give us some ideas for sex for bigger folks?

A: Sure thing. The human body is pretty adaptable and there are many ways that people of various sizes, shapes and abilities can enjoy sex. I’m not sure what positions used to get the two of you going, but here are some you can try. Occasionally larger people feel like missionary is out for them because bellies get in the way, but if you place pillows under your hips, your husband may be able to kneel in front of you during penetration or approach you from the standard push-up/plank position. You can also straddle him on a couch or—I kid you not—a sturdy weight bench. If you have large thighs that get in the way or he has difficulty moving around, consider stretching before having sex. Doggie style often works, too. And whether or not you ever choose to or are able to lose pounds, you can certainly work on becoming more fit‚ and fitness can play a huge role in sexual expression in terms of your endurance and ability to move your bodies into and out of positions.

One book you might like is called Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them (Greenery Press, $15.95). And while I am generally all about loving what you’ve got, my background is in public health, and I’m always a bit concerned when I hear about a large weight gain and difficulty doing normal activities (and yes, I think sex is a normal activity). I think it’s awesome that you find each other attractive and I don’t want to encourage you to lose weight simply for the sake of losing weight or buying into cultural beauty myths, but I would encourage you to check in with a health-care provider to see what you can do to become more healthy overall, whether it’s getting more exercise, eating more fruits and veggies, getting more sleep or simply trying out more sex positions from the Big Big Love book. Enjoy.

Q: Your response to the determined no-go blow job question [In & Out, TOC 69] was excellent save one possibility worth mentioning—Peyronies. What caught my eye was her description of the soon-to-be birthday boy’s “curved penis.” A slightly curved woody has given pleasure to owner and penetratee. However, her description didn’t sound as if the curve was slight; she said “can’t seem to get my mouth around it.” Rather than a slight curve, it sounds more like a bend or a kink. No fun at all; that often makes any kind of sex—manual, oral or vaginal—downright clumsy. At its worst, it can make sex miserable, and even impossible.

A: If a man’s penis is so curved that it’s difficult for him to have intercourse, or if he has uncomfortable or painful erections, he should definitely check in with a urologist to see if he has Peyronie’s or another condition (some genital skin problems are associated with discomfort or pain). Peyronie’s disease refers to hardened tissue in a man’s penis that may affect its erect shape (hence the curve) and cause pain. Though Peyronie’s is more commonly diagnosed among the 50-and-older set, younger men may be diagnosed, too. It’s not entirely clear why men get Peyronie’s, a condition estimated to affect about 1 percent of men (though more may have it but don’t seek treatment). In some men, the condition seems to have developed over a long period of time. For others, it may be caused by trauma or injury to the penis. Hopefully our determined gal pal was able to figure out the penis mystery and pleasure her boyfriend, oral sex or not. The penis is way too awesome not to be touched and licked, particularly when there’s an enthusiastic partner in the house.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, mph c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.