Ask Debby Herbenick | Will my conservative husband be offended if I tell him my dirty fantasies?
TOC's sexpert tackles your most penetrating questions.
Q I am a mid-thirties male looking for a little guidance. I am in a sense rediscovering sex and sensuality; I don’t have much experience. I started off great. My first lover was 24, I was 17, and she had a high sex drive. But things have been rocky since then. I went to a nearly all-male engineering school and then traveled a lot. I never dug the one-night-stand scene, so traveling was a dry spell. However, I do not want the peak of my sexual life to have been age 18! Now my problem: Somewhere over the last 20 years I lost confidence in my body. That includes my johnson, too. I knew I was on the short side of the bell curve, but wasn’t uptight about it when I was young. However I finally did have a brief fling with a woman who flat-out told me that she preferred bigger; that was hard to hear. But my next girlfriend had no complaints. It seems a good size for hitting ladies’ G-spots (and I wasn’t even trying). It has been hard for me to enjoy sex at times because a standard condom doesn’t feel secure. I finally found a winner: The “Iron Grip Snugger Fit Condom” relieves all worry. I bought them from condomania.com. Now I just want to start using them! I want to feel confident at sex. I am a sensual person in many ways and I would probably be very good at tantra. But searching online only brought up pornlike info. Do you know of any organization or resources?
A Good for you for recognizing what you’ve got going for you in the realm of sex—sensuality, smarts (you diligently found a condom that ups your confidence), wisdom (waiting for relationship sex that you wanted rather than casual sex that you didn’t want) and a penis that you have learned how to work in the magical, G-spot–loving ways. Plus you’ve recently gained some experience by dating—and having sex with—women, even though I’m sorry to hear that it included a woman who couldn’t see beyond your penis to learn how to work with you on that. It’s not to say that some people don’t feel like they need a certain size, but rather I think when we limit ourselves exclusively to characteristics like genital size we don’t (a) get a chance to be with some cool people or (b) expand our perspective on sex and learn to be creative with what we’ve got. If you’re into sensuality and want to focus on more fine-tuned workings of sex, Chicago has several resources for learning about tantric sex—check out sourcetantra.com or tantra.com to find tantra practitioners and local workshops. Local shops such as the Pleasure Chest (thepleasurechest.com), Early to Bed (early2bed.com), Tulip (mytulip.com) and g boutique (boutiqueg.com) also hold a range of sex-themed workshops, so keep an eye on their websites to see if one interests you.
Q I am a woman in my thirties and am married to one of the sweetest men in the world. He is a hard worker, a good partner and has tremendous values that mean I never worry about him cheating on me. We have always had an extremely loving relationship. As we have been together for years, I use my active imagination to keep things interesting between the sheets. I fantasize about what some might deem to be rather “dirty” sex. I think about taking a strange man to bed and my husband hiding in the closet, jerking off, as I pretend to the stranger that I am a married woman having a no-strings-attached affair. Other times I think about my husband coming all over my face or else I fantasize about masturbating and him coming home and “catching me” and then taking out his dick and rubbing it and then fucking me really hard, calling me a slut. It is only in recent months that my fantasies have gone this way. My fantasies used to be more tame. I would like to be able to tell these to my husband, not in order to act all of them out, but maybe to see if we could act out some of them (only the ones that involve just the two of us—I don’t want to have sex with any other men). I worry that he will be shocked or disappointed in me. Is there a way to test the waters with him? Or am I worried over nothing?
A If you’re under the assumption that sweet men with traditional values don’t have dirty minds, then think again. Not all men do, but many do (just as many women do) and it’s okay to explore these areas of your mind. In fact, it is often within the context of a supportive relationship that couples find it feels safe to explore fantasies. Now, perhaps you’ll want to tread carefully—it is true that some people are surprised at their partner’s sexual fantasies and can be harsh, judgmental, condescending or just plain freaked out when their partner announces something that he or she wants to do. Sometimes it may seem like your partner is freaked out by the behavior you’re hot for (e.g., him coming on your face), but really that person simply may be surprised that it’s something that you want and he never knew. If you want to approach the topic gingerly, perhaps you can start with the more vanilla-ish things you’d like to do together. For example, if you eventually want your husband to give you an at-home facial, then maybe start by asking him to come on your stomach or breasts. If that goes well, maybe you can suggest he come on your neck or, if you go down on him, as he’s coming, take his penis out of your mouth and let a little bit of his ejaculate drip down on your chin. At that moment, looking up at him with a smile wouldn’t hurt (so that he doesn’t think it’s accidental or that you don’t want to taste him). Another option is to get some “I.O.U.” sex scratch-off cards (available at pureromance.com or through local sex boutiques) and slip a card in his briefcase before leaving for work. Then call or text him and tell him where it is. At the very least, this brings more adventure into your sex life and gives you both an opening to talk about sexy things you’d like to do.
Q Now this is an embarrassing problem. I have a rather impressive covering of pubic hair. That is, it extends up my Titan Rocket. I am not succeeding with shaving or clipping with a beard trimmer. Is there a safe hair-removal product? That is, aside from electrolysis?
A Wow, you call your penis your Titan Rocket? Interesting. As for the hairs on your TR, you can use a skinny little bikini trimmer (drugstores often sell these, and amazon.com and drugstore.com do too) to greatly reduce your hair length. Other guys trim their hair down with scissors and leave it at that, or else they trim and then carefully shave their shaft. Still, there are men who crank up their iTunes, take their time and tweeze—yes, tweeze—one hair at a time until they have a smooth yummy shaft that they can offer to their partner (or their own hand). Hairless or hair-reduced penises are not necessary, but they can come in handy in that you then don’t have to deal with hair getting pulled on by condoms. Then again, once your penis is no longer a giant flossing device, you might miss the sexy sensation of having your pubic hair slightly tugged with your or your partner’s fingers or your partner’s tongue. If so, just leave some hair on your scrotum and tug away.