Ask Debby Herbenick | Can my semen taste like a cigarette after I smoke one?

Q I have a really embarrassing question and I don’t know who else to ask. I am 36 years old and have been married for about ten years. My husband and I have three children. Ever since having our third baby last year, sex has not been the same for me. I avoid it like crazy. It’s not that I don’t love my husband or find him attractive. I think he’s as hot as ever. I think I find him even hotter since he became a dad because he is a really good dad to our kids and a great husband to me. The problem is that—and this is where I am utterly humiliated and ashamed to even write this—I feel like I am going to poop when we are having sex, especially when sex gets rougher or in certain positions. It’s terrible to think that you’re going to do this during sex. I can’t tell my husband, so I stop sex and say that it hurts or that I’m tired. As much as I have always felt like I can tell him anything, I cannot tell him this. A couple of times I think I even did let out a little poop because when I went to the bathroom afterward and wiped, it looked like some had come out. As a result, I have also stopped letting him go down on me, which he used to do during “breaks” from sex. What’s going on with my body? I’m freaking out here.

A I can completely sympathize, and I think that many people would have similar reactions if they were in your shoes. I strongly encourage you to check in with a gynecologist about this issue. Some women—especially those who have had children—experience rectal prolapse, where there is a weakening of the pelvic muscles, which can result in the large intestine seeming to “bulge” toward the vaginal walls. A gynecologist can often see, just with a visual examination of your vagina, whether this has happened to you. It may be that your gyn has even noticed this with your vagina, but perhaps yours was a mild case, and he or she didn’t think it warranted treatment. If you are feeling like you are going to poop when you are having intercourse (which would result from pressure on your vagina, which then puts pressure on your rectum), however, that sounds to me like it warrants a closer look and possibly treatment. The good news is that, if this is what has happened to you, gynecologists are used to performing what they call “posterior repairs” (referring to the posterior—or back—part of your vaginal walls). Please do consider checking in with your ob/gyn, and getting a second opinion if you want one, to help figure out what may be going on. I also encourage you to discuss this with your husband. You don’t have to get too graphic, but it’s okay to let him know that sex bothers you for this reason, and that you’d like to brainstorm a way to work through it until you can get to your doc. That way he won’t take it personally. Maybe for now you can stick with oral sex and being stimulated mainly on the outside of your genitals to avoid putting pressure on your back vaginal wall. If you want to try intercourse, consider positions that focus pressure on the front wall—for example, in missionary, consider propping your hips up with pillows to focus stimulation more on the front wall. Mutual masturbation or sex-toy play may work well for you, too.

Q Is there any hope for getting my penis size back? Throughout my life I have been very happy with my size. I am about 7 _ inches hard—or at least I was. Now that I am approaching 60, it is under 7 inches. Is it going to keep getting smaller? Is there a way to retain some of my size? I’m not looking for “vanity increases” like a lot of younger guys—just a chance to get back to where I was.

A Sorry, but no go. There are still no methods of penis enlargement that have been shown to be safe and effective, in spite of the spam e-mails that keep on keeping on. Sure, some people talk up penis pumps, but those create short-term so-called enlargement by swelling and inflaming the penis (kind of like how vaginal tightening creams often work by inflaming the vagina—ick). Not fun. Then there are penis augmentation surgeries, which run the risk of creating scar tissue which can make for shorter or painful erections. Smaller penises and softer erections are part of the package when it comes to male aging. (We women get saggy breasts and a redistribution of fat so that more of it hangs around our middles.) Certainly some older men use erectile medications even when their erections are still predictable, and you can ask your health-care provider about this option for enhancing the size or firmness of your erection, but don’t expect any miracle cures. Erectile meds won’t grow your penis back to where it was; they may just help pump blood in your penis, which may make it feel somewhat closer to what it was before. Then again, without taking meds, you might try on a new perspective. You may have lost some length, but not a great deal (and you are not likely to lose a large amount of length as long as you continue to be able to become erect). If you have a long-term partner, he or she may actually be happy with your decreased size—especially if you have a female partner who, with age, may herself be experiencing vaginal dryness or atrophy, and thus may be more appreciative of taking “less of you” into her body than she used to.

Q I’ve been a social cigarette smoker for years, mainly when drinking a lot of beer or coffee, both of which are rare for me. My boyfriend refuses to suck my cock for two days afterward because he says it tastes like cigarettes. I can understand one day, but two days just feels like punishment because he doesn’t agree with my smoking cigarettes. I don’t think it can possibly taste bad two days later.

A It is totally possible. I don’t know of any research on how long certain foods or behaviors (e.g., smoking, exercise) may affect the taste of a person’s sexual fluids, but we certainly know that many things that we ingest can take varying amounts of time to leave our bodies. I know of a case where a woman was convinced that her boyfriend’s semen tasted particularly bad after he did acid. Other women who are allergic to walnuts or penicillin have found they have vaginal reactions or overall allergic reactions after having unprotected sex with a male partner who has recently ingested the thing to which they are sensitive. Still other women have occasionally reported vaginal reactions (like burning) in response to having unprotected sex with men who ate lots of hot peppers. So yes, it may be possible that your boyfriend can detect a subtle or even large effect on the taste of your semen. And if your boyfriend doesn’t like the taste of your semen for two days post-smoking, he doesn’t have to suck you off. Even if he is just withholding oral sex as punishment, that’s still his right—and it is your choice to decide whether you can accept this part of your relationship. One option might be to use condoms during oral sex. Another might be to stop smoking. If you can quit smoking, your lungs, your boyfriend and your penis will thank you.