Ask Debby Herbenick | Sexual behavior while sleepwalking and an unusual case of herpes

Q My husband has very vivid sex dreams, and I want to know what they mean. Sometimes I will wake up to hear him shouting things like, “[my name], I want to fuck your brains out.” Sometimes I wake to him groping me, kneeling over me in bed or jerking off. When this happens, I wake him and calmly tell him to go back to sleep. When I tell him in the morning what happened, he has no recollection. We don’t have sex very often. When we do, it is great, but it just doesn’t happen often due to our schedules. He definitely isn’t very aggressive when we do have sex, so his dreams seem to have him acting very differently from waking life. Instead of making him go back to sleep, could I have sex with him while he is sleeping?
A Ready for a mouthful? (No, not that kind.) Try saying somnambulistic sexual behavior three times quickly. Sexual behavior while sleepwalking, such as this, is also called sexsomnia or sleep sex. There have been several reports of sleep sex, and I’ve heard from quite a few people whose partners do it. Sleep sex differs from sex dreams (i.e. wet dreams), as the latter are very common and people often wake up during them. With sleep sex, there is often some degree of activity similar to waking life, like all-out masturbation, and the sleep-sexer doesn’t remember what happened in the morning. Since having sex with your husband without his waking consent is sexual assault, I would not recommend jumping on his sleep-sex bandwagon. However, he might give you his consent ahead of time. This is a tricky area, though, because during sleep sex he won’t be able to make conscious choices in real time; you will only be able to outline ahead of time of what is or isn’t okay. Also, during sleep sex he is unlikely to remember your predetermined boundaries and might freak out or try to do something that in waking life he would say no to. That’s why I’d say forget participating in his sleep sex, and instead see what lessons you can learn from it. Are you turned on by this more aggressive side of him? Try to incorporate that in your regular routine. Do you wish you had sex more often? Talk and see how you can reprioritize. Or, since you’re waking him out of his sleep sex anyway, might you be able to wake him up enough to have consensual sex? Your husband’s sleep sex puts him in a vulnerable position in which his trust in you is paramount, and it’s important to treat that with care.

Q A week ago I felt a small bump on my vagina, and a week later it was diagnosed as herpes. I most likely contracted this at one of those skanky adult bookstores, because as my boyfriend and I had sex, a guy put his penis through the glory hole and we thought, eh, what the hell, so I jerked him off. Other than that, I have been in an amazing monogamous relationship for almost a year. I would do anything to be able to undo this. I am still under 30, and everything I have read has made me feel like my sex life as I know it is over… Is it? I have read that he could get oral herpes from going down on me, even if I am not having an outbreak. I felt like we were only just beginning to uncover our potential together. But, everything I read says, “Use condoms, use a dental dam, not too much friction, no sex if you have any symptoms.” We both LOVE giving and receiving oral sex, but if now I can’t receive it, and we have to thoroughly evaluate if I am having ANY symptoms of an outbreak AND use condoms, I feel like this amazing sex is going to be a thing of the past. He says we will figure it out, but sex is a big part of our connection, and I am afraid of how it will change us and me. Will I ever feel fully satisfied again?
A It can feel tough enough to contract genital herpes from a sex partner one knows and likes, but herpes from an anonymous penis poking through a glory hole is a different story. For one, there are the emotional issues. Also, it doesn’t exactly make partner notification easy (e.g., saying “Hey, did you know that you most likely have herpes and that you gave it to me?”) unless you post a flyer in the stall. If you touched this guy’s penis and then touched your own genitals, then yes, that would be a possible means of transmission. Keep in mind, though, that it’s possible your boyfriend (or another past partner) transmitted herpes to you. Although people usually have their first outbreak within two weeks of transmission, that’s not always the case. And herpes is not always easily caught, so it may be that if your boyfriend has genital herpes (but doesn’t know it) you only recently “caught” it. In any case, wherever you got it, now what? A herpes diagnosis does not have to mean your sex life is over. You have a partner who is completely into working with you on this! There are medications available that can enormously reduce the risk of your outbreaks and your boyfriend’s risk of getting herpes from you (if he doesn’t already have it). Condoms and dental dams can reduce but not eliminate the risk of transmission, and plenty of people with herpes decide, together with their partners, to forgo such barrier precautions (and instead rely on medications for prevention). About one out of five sexually active adults has genital herpes, so even if you two did break up, his odds of finding another partner with herpes are considerable. That’s not to make light of a serious infection issue; rather, it’s to shed light on the different perspectives people have on living with herpes. Though it can change the way you have sex, it doesn’t have to end the fun, pleasure or spontaneity. This is a big change right now for you, and over time—and with appropriate follow-up care from a health-care provider, open communication with your partner and efforts not to let stress (which can trigger outbreaks) build up—you may find that it becomes easier to deal with. Your boyfriend might also consider getting tested, as he might already have the virus and is thus not at risk of getting it from you. Learn more about herpes from cdc.gov/std/herpes.

Q Sometimes when I poop, my penis leaks a little fluid that looks like semen. Why is that?
A You’re not the only guy to experience this type of leakage. When a man’s prostate gland is compressed (as happens when feces pass through the rectum on their way out), prostate fluid (which makes up a good proportion of men’s ejaculate) sometimes gets pushed out the urethra. Fun, right? Some men find that this happens more often when they’ve strained to get a big one out (the kind you guys tell your friends about—a behavior I will probably never understand). It also happens more often when there has been more “back up” of prostate fluid, like when a guy gets aroused and then doesn’t ejaculate (also known as “blue balls”). If you notice this happening, try ejaculating more often during masturbation or partner sex. In most cases, prostate fluid leakage is not a sign of anything wrong. However, if you have other genital discomfort, pain or discharge, talk to your doc.