Ask Debby Herbenick | Pre-ejaculate and virgin at age 30

Q I’m still a virgin, which wouldn’t be so embarrassing if I wasn’t almost 30 and in a relationship. Of course I’m attracted to him and I’d like to take that step with him. The problem is, I’m terrified of the pain as a woman. From what I understand, the first time hurts, a lot. How can that be pleasurable? Should I just suck it up and deal with a little pain to get to the good stuff?

A Although vaginal intercourse is painful for some women the first time, it actually isn’t generally that bad. It may be slightly uncomfortable at first, but rarely is it an all-out searing “ow.” This is especially true if the woman has previously had other things penetrate her vagina, such as tampons, sex toys or fingers, or if she’s had a gynecological exam. Plus, a lot of the pain behind first-time sex has to do with anxiety. If you can relax a little, then the muscles throughout your body—including those around your vaginal area—will also relax, allowing for easier, more comfortable penetration. Personally, I think many more occasions of first-time sex (or, for that matter, any-time sex) could be made more comfortable if people got a little more friendly with lube. I love lube with all my heart—and my vagina! Granted, most people don’t need to use it all the time, but why not keep a little on hand for those times when either you don’t have enough time to rev up your own natural lubrication, times when your own natural lubrication has been compromised (such as following warm baths or when taking antihistamines) or when you’re feeling nervous—so, for you, this first time. Not sure what kind to use? I like Good Clean Love (goodcleanlove.com), Pjur and Pink, among others. Also, keep in mind that sex is a process. It’s not just “Hey, good to see you, whoa is that your penis in my vagina?” It’s more gradual than that. Spending gobs of time in foreplay doing things that get you so superexcited that your vagina is practically throbbing and begging for his penis will rev up your self-lubrication and encourage the natural vaginal tenting process which makes more room in your vagina for whatever he’s packing (within reason). As part of your sex play, you might stimulate each other’s genitals with your hands and mouths (assuming, of course, that you have both been tested for sexually transmissible infections, including HIV). This also gives you the opportunity to see how large his penis is and then decide if you’ll want to use a ginormous amount of lube (a quarter- or half dollar–size amount) or a more typical amount of lube (a dime- or nickel-size blob). If you experience discomfort or pain the first time, rest assured that it is likely to improve. If it doesn’t, check in with a health-care provider. The first time only happens once (well, unless you lie); but having a sense of what your expectations are, and communicating those to your partner, can help you get more of what you want, whether it’s the first time or the 400th.

Q Lately, I have noticed an odd scent from down there, after sex when my husband comes inside me. Is it him? Is it me? We haven’t really spoken about it. I don’t know if he even notices it, or if it might be in my head. Other than him using condoms, how can I solve this?

A When women have a strong vaginal odor following intercourse that involved a man ejaculating inside her, one possible cause is bacterial vaginosis (BV). Unfortunately, BV is a poorly understood condition that some describe as a bacterial imbalance and others describe as a bacterial infection (research is ongoing). Getting an accurate diagnosis for BV is sometimes difficult and may require a second opinion from a healthcare provider who has expertise in vulvovaginal health. You can contact the International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (issvd.org) or the National Vulvodynia Association (nva.org) to locate a healthcare provider in your area. That said, not all cases of unusual vaginal scents are due to BV. Sometimes the pH level of women’s vaginal fluids or men’s ejaculate may change in response to lifestyle changes (e.g., eating something different, quitting smoking, taking a new medication) or other medical conditions. Thus, the new odor could be related to changes to his ejaculate, though that is less likely. You can learn more about vulvovaginal health—including BV—in The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health (Bantam, $16). In the meantime, if the scent bothers you, have him ejaculate elsewhere, like on your tummy or back. That can be fun, too: If you have an innie belly button, it can be amusing to watch his ejaculate pool there while you await clean-up.

Q Two weeks ago, I fooled around with my girlfriend, and we engaged in some heavy petting. I’m not sure if any pre-ejaculate ended up on her vagina but we were both naked, and I am very worried that I could have made her pregnant. However, I did shower and urinate before fooling around. The last few days, she’s been complaining that she has been feeling warmer than usual, but I’m not sure if that’s because the weather’s getting warmer, or if it is due to pregnancy. There’s about a week to go before her next period, but I’m being driven crazy by this anxiety.

A Since spring mating season is upon us (which, in my world, means an ever-growing number of “Whoops, could we be pregnant?” e-mails), it’s time we address the rumors about pre-ejaculate and pregnancy once again. Your e-mail is the perfect place to begin. Pre-ejaculatory fluids themselves do not contain sperm. However, if there are any sperm leftover in a man’s urethra (say, from a previous ejaculation earlier in the day), then the pre-ejaculatory fluids may pick up those leftover sperm as they dribble through the urethra and out of a man’s body during sexual excitement. Granted, there wouldn’t be a lot of sperm, but there would be some, and that is why sex educators tell people not to (pardon the pun) fuck with pre-ejaculatory fluids. Plus, pre-ejaculate can pass infections. Therefore, use condoms during penetrative penis-vagina play lest you wind up with a bad diagnosis or a baby. That said, pregnancy risk is very low in most instances of non-ejaculatory slip-ins—and gets a heck of a lot closer to “no risk” given that you had peed before fooling around, because that makes it likely that your urine whooshed any remaining sperm stragglers out into the toilet bowl rather than giving your pre-ejaculate a chance to move them along during sex play. As for her period, it’s not even due yet! She may be feeling warmer due to the heat (it is, after all, well into spring) or maybe she’s just as stressed and anxious as you are. Have you two discussed birth-control methods? Just because you choose to use birth control doesn’t mean you have to have penis-vagina intercourse; knowing that you are well-protected may simply allow you to enjoy your nonpenetrative sex play rather than enjoy it for five minutes and then freak out about it for two weeks afterward. Learn more about birth control at plannedparenthood.org.