Ask Debby Herbenick | Genital warts and cunnilingus preferences

Q My wife and I have a boy and a girl (he’s 17, she’s 14). The boy has recently let us know that he has become sexually active. We want to tell him all the “right” things, whatever they may be. Do I talk to him alone? Or should my wife? Or should we talk to him together? He leaves for college in the fall. We do not want to be intrusive, but he is coming to us.

A How wonderful that your son feels comfortable talking to you about this; it’s a fine reflection of your parenting that he’s able to do so. His age (17) is roughly average for when people begin having sex, meaning that your son may have only a few friends who have had sex—and no friends who have the experience and long-term perspective on sex and love that you and your wife do. You’re in a good position to provide him with information that can help him to have safer and more pleasurable experiences. The college-aged students whom I teach want to know how to reduce their risk of infection and pregnancy. Many guys are shocked to hear that condoms don’t protect against all sexually transmissible infections (STI) or that men cannot be tested for all STIs, such as the human papillomavirus (HPV). Let him know that being told you “don’t have any STIs” only means you don’t have the STIs they tested for. Throughout his life, he should be careful to ask his health-care provider which infections he is being tested for and which he is not. If his partner is female, and they don’t want to become pregnant, he needs birth control. Birth-control options change all the time—you and your wife can get up to speed at plannedparenthood.org. You might also encourage your son and his partner to meet with a health-care provider to talk about birth control. Give him a book such as The Guide to Getting It On (Goofy Foot Press, $24.95), so he’ll have good information about physical risks as well as basic sex info. Most college students also want to know about how to have more pleasurable sex. For that, get him The New Male Sexuality (Bantam, $17), which addresses issues such as premature ejaculation, erection problems and communicating about sex. It is a book that I wish many more young men knew about. It provides tools for men to have respectful, consensual and enjoyable relationships—although it’s about sex, it offers tools for more expansive ways to connect with others. And that opportunity is what I would offer to someone who was just entering the world of sex. As for you and your wife, I’d recommend the book What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know (Newmarket, $24.95), which provides a wealth of information about how to talk to your teenage and college-age kids about sex, among other things.

Q Is it common for women not to enjoy oral sex? I find it uncomfortable and embarrassing. When I talk to other women about it, they tell me my boyfriend “must be doing it wrong.” My boyfriend is frustrated with me for not wanting to experiment more with it, and I am frustrated that our sex life is limited. We’ve been together for four years and we are already experiencing sex issues. When we get married, should we seek professional counseling?

A There is nothing unusual about having sex problems early in a relationship. The idea that people have mind-blowing, problem-free sex for the first few years of a relationship or marriage is more fantasy than reality. Those who communicate well with each other about sex find that their sex problems become easier to deal with (and thus less disruptive), so it is wise to pay attention to this aspect of your life. Rather than waiting until you’re married, meet with a sex therapist now (find one at aasect.org). Regarding oral sex, not all women enjoy it—no matter how caring or tongue-talented their partner may be. In fact, I can’t think of a single sex act (vaginal intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, masturbation) that “all” women or men enjoy. The fact that you described receiving oral sex as “embarrassing,” however, makes me wonder if your lack of enjoyment is affected by your feelings about your body or shameful feelings you may have about sexuality. If you are embarrassed about your vaginal taste or scent, for example, you may find it helpful to know that all women (and men) have a natural genital scent and taste. There are two books that may be helpful: One is called For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Sexual Intimacy (Signet, $7.99), and the second is Becoming Orgasmic (Fireside, $15). Both are orgasm-focused, but I think they’d help you even if you find it easy to orgasm. Both books include advice on communicating about sex, learning to feel comfortable with one’s genitals and sexuality, and exercises that might enhance your enjoyment of sex. You mentioned, too, that you feel uncomfortable during oral sex, though I’m not sure if you mean physically uncomfortable (if so, check in with a health-care provider) or emotionally uncomfortable (in which case, reading the above books or meeting with a sex therapist can help). It’s important to approach these issues with a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives. In the meantime, know that it’s okay to simply say that you don’t enjoy receiving oral sex, that it’s not his fault, and that, while you are open to exploring ways that you might one day enjoy it, you can’t promise you ever will.

Q I recently told my new boyfriend I have genital warts. Happily, he’s staying with me. Is there any way to protect his exposed skin?

A Millions of Americans have genital warts, but not all are as careful about not transmitting them. Good for you! Unfortunately, there is no foolproof way to prevent spreading HPV to a male partner. The HPV vaccine, Gardasil, has been approved for use among younger women, but some doctors are using it off-label with men. If you find a doctor who is willing to give it to your boyfriend, that’s a possibility, as two of the four HPV strains that the vaccine protects against cause the majority of genital warts cases. If you have already been tested for which strains you are infected with, your health-care provider can determine whether Gardasil will protect your boyfriend from it. As we cannot test men for HPV, it’s also possible that your boyfriend already has one or more strains of HPV. In fact, speaking of Gardasil, if you have not yet been vaccinated and want to learn more about whether you are a good candidate for the vaccine, ask your health-care provider. Women who have been diagnosed with HPV do not necessarily have all four of the strains it protects against, and many choose to get the vaccine. Some health-care providers believe that using a female condom offers more protection from HPV than the male condom because it covers more skin, so that’s another option. Aside from that, there is nothing else (that I can think of) to be done. That may be fine with your boyfriend. Not everyone is concerned about genital warts. Sure, it’s not exactly a party when they come around, but in many cases they are very small and look like pimples, and they rarely cause any discomfort. You can learn more about genital warts, HPV and Gardasil at cdc.gov and gardasil.com.