Ask Debby Herbenick | Infidelity and the hunt for a new vibrator

Q My girlfriend has a massive ass. I like this about her. She doesn’t. She’s always hiding it behind sweatshirts tied around her waist, loose dresses, loose jeans. I’m your average pudgy guy, and I don’t know how I got such an awesome girl who also has the best ass in the world, but I did. Now all I have to do is convince her of that so she can stop hiding it all day and during sex in the dark.

A If your girlfriend feels embarrassed about her butt, it’s likely to take some time—and a lot of booty love and appreciation from you—to help her to see the awesomeness of her body. Try taking turns massaging each other by candlelight. When it’s your turn, spend extra time caressing her behind and make sure to tell her how much you love—and I mean love—her butt. When she does wear formfitting clothes, or anything close to it, compliment her. Letting her know that you like it when she wears clothes that show off her butt may encourage her to take pride in her body. That doesn’t mean she’s going to transform her wardrobe and wear what you want her to—after all, her current choice in clothing may be less about hiding her butt and more about just liking the styles she wears. Finally, as you layer on the booty love, make sure to layer love on everywhere else, too. Rarely do people like to be boiled down to one body part, and you certainly wouldn’t want her to think you like her only for the size of her butt. So in your quest to get her to dig her curvalicious body, make sure she feels loved, admired and special for who she is inside and how she makes you feel.

Q I need a new vibrator, pronto! The old one is starting to die—it was a bullet, which I liked. The one before that was a rabbit thing, which was okay. I’m ready to branch out. What do you suggest for a moderately experienced girl like me?

A Some girls love shoes; others dig amazing food or awesome vibrators. I like all three. If you’ve been down bullet and rabbit lane, why not try a pimped-out varied-speed bullet like the Greta ($28 at Early to Bed, 5232 N Sheridan Rd, 773-271-1219)? If you’ve got mad cash and would like a vibe that simulates oral sex, consider the SaSi, which you can “train” to repeat enjoyable stimulation patterns ($185 at the Pleasure Chest, 3436 N Lincoln Ave, 773-525-7151). Sick of killing batteries? Consider the Earth Angel, a hand-powered vibrator that produces about 30 minutes of good-quality vibration for four minutes of windup work ($95 at babeland.com). And if you’re looking for new ways to use a vibrator, whether alone or with some lucky guy or gal, you can find an entire sex-toy chapter in my new book Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction (Rodale, $21.95).

Q My whole life I’ve hated cheaters. I once broke up with a man because he made out with some girl in a bar. But now it’s like karma has come back to haunt me. I’m getting married this fall. Everything is ordered and paid for. There’s no one else I want to build a life with or have kids with. Problem is that I have the most ridiculous chemistry with a guy at work. A few months ago we began working on a project together, and now it’s like we both know we’re going to have sex at some point. I am nothing but professional to him, as he is to me, but I feel magnetically pulled to him. I’ve been hoping this would pass but it has not. I don’t see myself dating or falling in love with this man. I just want to—scratch that, need to—fuck him. I worry that if I don’t (and I have dreamed of this in intimate detail), I won’t be able to feel good about marrying my fiancé. I know that sounds weird, but it’s like I just need to get past this hiccup and go on my way. What do other people do in this situation?

A What do people do? Some request that they be moved to a different work project and minimize all contact with that other person. Others think gross, unattractive thoughts about the person they lust after as a way to try to make them seem less appealing. Some people would put extra energy into thinking positive, hot, sexy thoughts about the man they are planning to marry. Or they might question the viability of monogamy. But you? You’re thinking you need sex with Guy #2. And you would not be alone in making that choice. Some attractions feel destined to be explored. I get that. Others—if you give them enough time—stop feeling like that after a while. It still may pass. If cheating horrifies you, how will you feel about yourself if you have sex with Work Dude? I can’t tell you what to do, and frankly, what other people do in this situation isn’t what’s important: It’s how your choice may make you feel, and how it could impact your fiancé. For example, what if you got genital herpes—which condoms can’t fully protect against—and passed it to your fiancé? What if once turns out to not be enough and you want to leave your fiancé for Work Dude or to carry on the affair for weeks or months? Are these good or bad outcomes? When you dream about this single act of sex, what happens next? Weighing potential costs and benefits will help you figure it out.

Q My husband cheated on me and then left me three years ago. He said our sex life had gone down the tubes and he wanted someone who displayed more passion. At first I dismissed his shallow comments, but now that I am out dating again and I hear stories of people with more active sex lives than my own, I have to wonder: Did I provoke his cheating by not being adventurous enough in bed? If I find someone else, what can I do—sexually speaking—to keep him?

A Men and women rarely cheat only because of sex. Sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction are often interconnected. When a person is uninspired in a relationship, he or she may find it difficult to connect in bed. Maybe you or your ex didn’t feel excitement anymore—not just in bed, but in general. Maybe he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too; maybe she gave him an ultimatum. Maybe he fell in love—that doesn’t mean he never loved you. I’m pointing out these maybes because to blame yourself is to lose sight of the many possible influences on his behavior that have nothing to do with you. Perhaps in the next go-round you will find someone who awakens that passion within you without trying. To work on it yourself, focus on developing an emotional connection with people you date. When you can take emotional risks, it’s often easier to take risks in bed—the kind that result in unusually passionate kisses that surprise the both of you, a new position or spending so much time in bed (not necessarily having sex, but just talking) that your friends wonder if you moved out of town.