Ask Debby Herbenick | Panty sniffers and homosexuality in animals

Q Sometimes when we have sex, my boyfriend likes to undress me. It’s very sexy. He takes my shirt off, unhooks my bra, etc. When he gets to my panties, however, he takes them off and then briefly holds them to his nose and sniffs them and gets this big grin on his face. Is this normal, or should I worry he’s got a fetish?

A The joys of sex are not just about orgasms but about curiosity and humor, too. He’s just stopping to smell the roses, so to speak. Good for him. So your boyfriend is a panty sniffer. It doesn’t mean he has a fetish. All you know right now is that he sniffs yours when he’s undressing you. Try asking him about it sometime when you’re not having sex. Say something like, “I’ve noticed you sometimes sniff my panties when you undress me—what’s that about? I’m curious.” Try to say it in a way that shows you are interested rather than judgmental. I think it’s awesome when men and women go out of their way to make their partners feel good about their scent, taste and sounds, and maybe your boyfriend is trying to signal to you that he thinks everything about you—down to your Anchorman-ish musk—is hot. And if he does have a bigger thing for panties than the occasional mid-strip sniff—say, he buys them through the Internet or masturbates with them—let me know and we can discuss that, too. Though extreme panty love can cause problems, it doesn’t always—it depends on the behavior and your perspective.

Q My girlfriend has trouble having an orgasm during sex. She’s been with guys bigger than me and guys smaller than me. I’m the only partner who has been able to make her have an orgasm during sex without any other stimulation—and that was only once. She can orgasm on her own, when I give her oral or when we use toys, but not with just plain sex (other than that one time). We don’t always have the time or desire to use toys or oral to make her come. We both think this is a mental issue. We’ve tried many positions, and the one that gets her the closest still doesn’t finish the job.

A Penis size has little to do with a woman’s ease of orgasm. One recent study found that the size and placement of a clitoris (i.e., how close it was to the vaginal entrance) might be related to a woman’s ease of orgasm, but there’s nothing one can do about that. We all have to make do with what we have. The thing is, it often takes a long time for many women to learn to experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse. The nerve-rich clitoris is not easily stimulated during intercourse, and couples may need to take special care to use sexual positions that enhance stimulation to either the head of the clitoris (the part you can see from the outside) or the inside parts of the clitoris (which extend backward into the body for several inches). Many women and their partners find that it helps to relax and be less goal-oriented about sex. Focusing on the experience of pleasure may help you two to explore positions that feel good, whether or not they lead to orgasm. The positions that feel “close” are not always the ones that ultimately lead to orgasm, so experimenting can help. The coital alignment technique—described in detail and with a diagram in my book Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction (Rodale, $21.99)—is the only sex position that has been well-researched and found to make it easier for some women to orgasm. Some women and their partners benefit from exercises related to breathing techniques, body positions and learning to “let go” during sex. Becoming Orgasmic (Fireside, $15) is a good resource for these exercises. Some women take months or years to learn to experience orgasm consistently during intercourse. Even though it may feel paramount right now, life is long and there is much pleasure to be had (which may even ultimately make it easier for your girlfriend to orgasm).

Q One of my friends (who is gay) said there are lots of gay animals, and he sent me a link to an article about gay penguins as proof. I found this very interesting. How common is it for animals to be gay?

A Being “gay” is an identity, and not everyone who has sex with people of their same sex identifies as gay. As such, most animal researchers I know will tell you there are no “gay” animals (and certainly no Pride parades). That said, many animal researchers emphasize that same-sex pairings can be found in most animal species. In fact, animal sexual behavior is quite diverse. Some animals have group sex. Others barter for sex (what some refer to as “animal prostitution,” when they exchange sex for food or nest materials). And yes, some animals even have “affairs” where they will secretly (e.g., in a bush) have sex with an animal other than the one who seems to otherwise be their primary partner. Oral sex and masturbation can also be found in nature. What does this mean for human beings, though? Some would argue, very little. Just because dolphins or penguins do something doesn’t mean human beings should (or shouldn’t, for that matter). What many researchers take from studying sexual behavior of animals, though, is that sexuality is very diverse. There is no one position, orientation or sex act that is everything to everyone. Variation is the common denominator with animals as with humans (which makes the idea of one way of sex being “natural” fall seriously flat). You can learn more about the sex lives of animals in Sexual Selections: What We Can And Can’t Learn About Sex from Animals (University of California Press, $19.95).

Q Since I went on birth control, sex with my boyfriend burns and hurts after about ten minutes. How can I fix this?

A Check in with a health-care provider—preferably one with expertise treating women with vulvodynia (contact the National Vulvodynia Association at nva.org for referrals). Some research suggests that a small proportion of women—perhaps particularly young women—who take birth-control pills start experiencing vulvar or vaginal pain. When they stop taking the pill, the pain often stops within a few months. Also, some women who take low-estrogen pills notice that they lubricate less. If you are lubricating less, you’ll feel more friction during sex, which could be causing the pain. Ask your health-care provider whether a different pill brand or form of birth control might be the answer. Also try spending more time on foreplay to encourage your own natural vaginal lubrication, or use a vagina-friendly lubricant such as Good Clean Love (goodcleanlove.com) to help make sex more slick and pleasurable. Check out local women-friendly sex shops such as Early to Bed (5232 N Sheridan Rd), Tulip (3448 N Halsted), g boutique (2131 N Damen Ave) or the Pleasure Chest (3436 N Lincoln Ave) for sample-sized lube packs to try. In the meantime, consider non-penetrative activities such as oral sex.