Ask Debby Herbenick | Spicing things up in the bedroom and better tasting semen

Q I’ve been married 20 years; sex has been pretty pedestrian all along, but my wife hasn’t been open to even discussing spicing up our sex life. She gets embarrassed when I bring up the subject and shuts down. I’ve been faithful all these years and plan to remain so. In high school and college, though, I engaged in some pretty fun sex parties. I find myself really missing those days and wanting to somehow spice up my married sex life. I looked into buying a sex game, but my wife doesn’t want any part of it. How do I approach this?
A Getting one’s partner involved in creating a more-exciting sex life is a tricky job if that person doesn’t want any part of it. But it’s not necessarily impossible. Given how long you and your wife have been together, I’m guessing she has some idea about your sex-related glory days. Maybe she feels intimidated by visions of the younger, wilder you. Or maybe she’s just not into what she feels is more unconventional sex. Even if you’re not suggesting threesomes with the neighbors, she may have her suspicions about you taking her down a path that makes her uncomfortable. The good news, though, is that you do have sex together—at least sometimes—so you have a base from which to start. Try approaching her from a perspective of connection or sensuality rather than focusing on “sex, sex, sex.” Try letting her know that you’d like to pay more attention to the ways that you express love and affection with each other and that sensuality and feeling connected to her are important to you. In talking to her, make sure to emphasize that this is about wanting to be with her—in other words, you might not want to say that you miss sex parties. Too often, women in particular decline sex because they feel that their partner just wants to get off rather than wanting to be sexual with them specifically. If she’s open to it, you may be able to interest her in reading a book together such as For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy ($15.95, Anchor) or in getting her to take a look, on her own time, at My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies ($16, Pocket), a classic in women’s erotica. By working on the emotional/connecting side of sex, you may help expand her comfort zone.

Q Have you heard of eating certain things to make oneself taste better during oral sex? I notice some meds I take give my urine a bad odor, and I assume it or other things could affect semen flavor as well. Has anyone studied this?
A I’ve heard plenty of ideas about semen-enhancing wonder foods (e.g., kiwi, watermelon, pineapple) but haven’t seen any good data on the topic. And no wonder! Can you imagine a highly controlled experiment in which people are asked to taste test men’s semen? Tricky indeed. There are many theories about semen and vaginal-fluid taste. People commonly believe that fruits that are sugary and watery (such as pineapple) may enhance taste. There is also speculation that cigarette smoking may have a negative impact on taste. Because taste is influenced by smell, and people rarely drink semen out of cups (e.g., they are typically up close and personal with the family jewels), hygiene is key. Unless, of course, your partner craves the taste of sweaty balls, which some do. I also know of an instance in which a woman thought her then-boyfriend’s semen tasted particularly nasty after he was up all night doing acid with his friends. Was the battery-acid taste due to the drugs? Or was she just annoyed with his then-ongoing drug exploration? Who knows? If your partner is open to it, why not do a taste test of your own (assuming you know each other’s STI and HIV status)? Eat a bunch of pineapple for a week and then let him or her taste. It could be fun! You might also check out Semenex, a nutritional supplement intended to improve the taste of men’s semen. I have no idea if it works, but I’ve had some conversations with its inventors, and they have certainly put much thought and effort into making what they feel is a well-received product.

Q My husband and I are open to just about anything, and we like to keep things interesting, but for some reason I feel he is getting bored when we are intimate. We have tried numerous positions and at first they are exciting and fun, but it seems he bores of it very quickly. Do you have any new techniques or positions that we should try?
A Sex positions are a great start to an exciting sex life, and it’s wise of you to keep expanding your horizons if you feel that either of you is getting bored. First, I’d check in with him: Is he actually not bored at all? Are you insecure about keeping things interesting or novel? Does he feel any demand or pressure to perform with these new techniques/positions, or is he game? If all is a go, then a few ideas: First, I think we too often turn to entirely new sex positions when small modifications to sex positions can make all the difference in the world through a little hip tilt, a well-placed pillow or a different breathing pattern. Check out Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction (Rodale, $21.99) to read more of my thoughts on sex-position adaptations. There’s also the psychological aspect of sex. Maybe you would enjoy role playing or reading erotic stories together for new ideas. Check out Bedding Down: A Collection of Winter Erotica ($13.95, Avon Red) or Peep Show: Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitions ($14.95, Cleis Press) for inspiration.

Q I was with a girl last year and in love with her but didn’t show it, and I feel like a huge asshole. I finally fessed up to her, and she now doesn’t feel the same way that she did. I honestly don’t think I could replace her with someone else. We still talk almost every day. What can I do to get her back? My friends tell me to keep being friends with her and see where it leads.
A There is only so far you can go to try to get someone back who doesn’t want to be with you. If you have expressed your feelings clearly and tried a few times through face-to-face conversations, a letter/e-mail or perhaps even with a sweeping romantic gesture à la John Cusack in Say Anything or Ashton Kutcher in A Lot Like Love (don’t make fun—I loved that movie!), that may be all you can do for now. And while being friends may eventually lead to you being back together, it could also backfire. It may push you entirely into the Friend Zone so that she doesn’t see you as a potential date but as her buddy. Daily phone calls or texts may also make it harder for you to move on and open yourself to finding someone who is interested in you romantically. If you’re finding it difficult to put some space in between you, ask your friends for their help in keeping you busy and involved in Life Beyond The Girl and/or read How to Survive the Loss of a Love (Prelude, $7.95) for tips on letting go when it’s time.