Ask Debby Herbenick | Lackluster lingerie and cunnilingus

Q My boyfriend’s ex didn’t like oral sex. He tried it on her once, and she didn’t like it, and he decided he didn’t like it either. I perform oral sex on him regularly, so I can understand how it’s not exactly desirable—but I do it for his benefit. I’ve lightly brought it up a time or two that I give but he never does, but he seems entirely closed-minded to the idea of performing oral sex on me. Since I have such trouble achieving pleasure through standard intercourse, how can I ask him to at least try to do it a few times for me? He is fully aware that I am a very clean person and wash my pubic area—whereas he is not as responsible. I really feel the stimulation would improve my sexual experience greatly.
A It takes two to tango—or to wind up in an unhappy situation of oral-sex power dynamics. The good news? You can likely improve this situation together. If you don’t like giving oral sex to him, then one option is to stop doing it. After all, he’s decided that he’s not giving you oral sex for that same reason. If you very much want to receive oral sex, this may be a good way to spark conversation between the two of you, with you bringing up the topic and seeing how you can make it work for both of you. You could ask, for example, what you could do as a couple to enhance oral sex for both of you. Might you two shower together beforehand? Try performing oral sex just briefly as part of foreplay, maybe in a 69? If you care less about oral sex specifically but want to try other forms of sex that might bring you greater pleasure or orgasms, consider manual (hand/finger) stimulation or using a vibrator together, such as the Jelly Tool Belt ($52.50 at pureromance.com), Acuvibe ($60 at Early to Bed, 5232 N Sheridan Rd) or a silver bullet ($9–$15 at Tulip, 3448 N Halsted St), all of which can be used in different ways as part of sex. The Jelly Tool Belt can be worn on a man’s penis during intercourse, whereas the Acuvibe Mini and silver bullet can be targeted toward the clitoris during sex.

Q My wife and I have been together for eight years, married for six, and we have two small children. We still have sex, which I realize is more than a lot of couples do, so my complaint may seem small. However, my wife wears only “comfortable” bras and panties now—nothing sexy. Gone are the days when I would come home to find her in crotchless chaps. Or even a black silk nightie. Now it’s cotton pajamas every night, cotton underwear and beige or white bras. What can I do to change this that doesn’t make me sound insensitive?
A A lackluster sex life is a shared problem—not just her issue. If she’s hanging out in cotton and flannel every day, she may be feeling it, too (and/or being a responsible parent, as crotchless chaps are not exactly suitable for playing with one’s children while waiting for Dad to come home). You might try saying that you love your marriage and your sex life, and you want to keep both going strong. Say that, as a couple, you want to brainstorm how to keep things going. Give her the opportunity to make a few suggestions (maybe she’d like to go away together, once a year, on a no-kids-allowed vacation?) and add in yours—e.g., ask whether she’d be open to a “lingerie night” once or twice a month, and ask what you could wear—either for sex or day-to-day—that would help her find you more attractive. Finally, check out Mating in Captivity (Harper, $13.99)—an interesting book about bringing some mystery into all-too-familiar relationships.

Q My boyfriend and I lost our virginity with each other and have not been with anyone else; we are young, only 18. He, like most teenage boys, has always enjoyed pornographic videos, magazines and websites, and learned most everything he knows about sex from those. His thrust movements are very fast, and mine are not. I just can’t get myself up to his speed; how can I improve and control my hip movements to keep up?
A Your point that he’s learned about sex mostly from porn is a good one, as those are generally not very realistic sex scenes (nor all that pleasurable for many couples to emulate night-after-hard-thrusting-night). If you enjoy frequent hard thrusts and fast-paced sex, it will likely get easier with time and practice. But if the fast thrusting is not pleasurable or if you want more variety, then expand your ideas of sex together. Check out the Sinclair Institute’s video sex series at bettersex.com; it’s mostly of adults in their thirties or older, but they provide more-realistic images of sex than most porn. Or see what you can learn from mainstream Hollywood movies like The Reader, in which Kate Winslet’s character teaches the wonders of slower sex—or from Snoop Dogg’s “Sensual Seduction,” which praises the experience of (a) taking it slow and (b) orgasm turn-taking and generosity.

Q I have a son who is almost five. A few months ago he started humping his blanket when he was in bed before he fell asleep. No big deal, I just let him do his thing. Then a couple nights ago at bath time, I found him admiring his erect penis in the mirror. My guess is it was the first time he had seen it. It was all I could do not to chuckle—a really cute moment. But then I quickly realized: What if he has questions? At this age, how much (and what, exactly) do I tell him? It’s pretty clear that my husband and I are not equipped to talk about this, so what is a good source of information?
A The research is pretty clear that most young boys and girls touch or otherwise stimulate their genitals (such as with pillows, blankets or stuffed animals), and it sounds as though you’ve had a very accepting response to your son’s behavior. Boys’ penises become erect even in the womb and do throughout infancy and the rest of life. Unless your son asks questions, you may not feel as though you have to say anything when he admires his penis. Some parents, when their children obviously touch or stimulate their genitals in places like the family room, may say something like, “That’s okay to do, but it’s something to do in private, such as in your bedroom or in the bathroom.” You can leave it at that or explain why—or see what questions he asks. Children rarely take in any more information than what they are “ready” for or interested in. Some good books are Amazing You: Getting Smart about Your Private Parts (Puffin, $6.99), It’s Not the Stork! (Candlewick, $11.99) and What’s the Big Secret? (Little, Brown, $6.99). I think they’re well-written and provide just enough information for kids. To get you and your husband ready for the many questions and situations you two will find yourself in, check out From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children (Newmarket, $16.95).