Ask Debby Herbenick | Delayed ejaculation and alternatives to a Brazilian

Q My problem is that I have two male friends. One is a lover and the other a very good friend, who I was lovers with more than ten years ago (without any romantic interest since). While I am single and therefore cannot actually be “guilty” of any infidelity, I often feel as if I am sneaking around. I wish to have both of them in my life, if possible, but can’t find any honorable way to make this happen. Can’t a person have a lover and a friend? Am I doing anything I should not be doing?
A Yes, a person can have a lover and a friend—especially if it is clear to everyone involved that you are not in a committed relationship with any of them (which it sounds like is the case as you identified yourself as “single”). Now, if you’re lying to them and saying you’re out doing something else when really you’re hanging out with your ex-lover or current lover, then that sounds like a personal problem that may end up threatening your friendship or love/sex affair. After all, most people like to be told the truth. That said, it’s not as if you’re required to run down your entire history with everyone in your life. Your friends don’t necessarily have to know everything about your sex life, and your current lover doesn’t necessarily have to be told about your romantic history with your friend, particularly if your lover is not a relationship partner. However, if you think your lover may turn into a more-committed relationship partner, you should be forthcoming with information lest he feel you kept information from him on purpose.

Q Are there less-painful ways of going Brazilian down there than getting waxed? My girlfriend cringes at the thought of waxing. We tried shaving, and although it was fun and I was very careful, we both got quite nervous as the razor got closer to her lips. It seems very difficult and a little risky to get that silky-smooth look and feel with a razor.
A I guess it depends on whether the issue is pain or risk. Laser hair reduction can offer long-lasting hairlessness—however, it’s quite painful (trust me). But then again, lasers don’t nick labia as razors do! Waxing tends to be painful, too, but the effects are shorter-lasting than laser hair reduction, so there’s a cost-benefit decision to be made. Some women and men apply hair-depilatory cream to their genitals, though the package inserts on these products usually counsel against direct application to the genitals. I know one man who had a terrible skin reaction when he applied a hair-removal cream to his pubic area. The bigger question I’d ask is if your girlfriend wants to remove all of her pubic hair. Often, if a woman or man wants to go hairless down there, he or she will find a way to do it. If someone doesn’t want to do it, he or she may find reasons not to—something to consider and maybe talk about together.

Q My partner, who I have known for two months, is a good person whom I like, but whose facial skin (somewhat scarred) revolts me. While we have sex, I have never felt any sexual excitement and would like to be more attracted to her. What’s wrong with me? I feel like a narrow-minded person. People tell me love conquers all, but either I’m not in love or they are wrong. I did have a lover with whom I had breathless, sexually exciting involvement. But she was a poor fit. Do I just keep looking for the right one? Or am I the one who needs to change?
A Love conquers a heck of a lot but, let’s face it, not everything. Love did, however, once conquer my perspective on an ex’s mustache that he was growing for a contest with his brothers. I even missed it when it was gone! If you feel “revolted” by your partner, that’s a pretty big red flag. It’s also not exactly encouraging that you feel no sexual excitement at all with her, if that’s something that’s important to you. Some people want a companion in life and can make do with a lack of chemistry. Others want incredible passion but can forgo having the same hobbies, interests and outlook on life so long as they have good sex. Some people want both. The question isn’t what you “should” do, but what is right for you. You’ve pretty much said that this person is not the right one, so who is?

Q My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and have regular sex (four times a week or so). He’s 29, I’m 21. He has never ejaculated with me through intercourse, oral sex or masturbation, only when he gives me “a hand” and helps himself get off. I’ve googled this problem and come across the terms delayed ejaculation and retarded ejaculation. What can I do to counteract this? It’s really hurtful. I feel like I’m not attractive enough for him. He can’t be sexually satisfied with me if he never comes, can he? I’ve tried talking to him about it a few times and asked if it was my fault. He got defensive and told me that I was putting him under pressure. He says that I do satisfy him and he is still attracted to me.
A Some men can’t orgasm with a partner from pretty much anything (e.g., oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex, hand jobs), and others have trouble coming from one or two particular types of sex. It can be very frustrating for a man and his partner if he takes a very long time to come. During vaginal intercourse, a man with delayed ejaculation may worry about hurting his partner or making her sore if he has to thrust away for ages to try to ejaculate. During fellatio, guys with delayed ejaculation often feel bad because they worry that their partner is bored or her/his jaw is sore. Feeling guilty or pressured to ejaculate can make it even more difficult for a man to ejaculate. Often, these men reassure their partner that they are attracted to them and excited about sex but for some reason, they find it very difficult to ejaculate. Some of these guys have lifelong patterns of masturbating in less common ways (such as by rubbing their genitals against the bed or using a certain hand position). You might ask him to show you what he does when he’s alone, so that you can learn from it and feel more confident about learning to help him orgasm. You could also encourage him to masturbate during sex together, if he’s open to that. You could kiss him or lick his scrotum while he masturbates his penis. During vaginal intercourse, you might try using a vibrator. Some men with delayed ejaculation find that the extra “oomph” that a vibrator provides helps them ejaculate. Vibrating condom rings are pretty inexpensive and are sold in many drug stores. For more intense vibration, try a silver bullet or pocket rocket–style vibrator that’s small and can fit between your bodies during sex. It may end up being a pleasurable part of sex for both of you. Finally, if he’s open to it, consider meeting together with a sex therapist (find one through sstarnet.org).