Ask Debby Herbenick | Vaginal pain and the right age for pornography

Q Ever since my girlfriend read The Vagina Monologues last year, she’s become vagina empowered/crazed, and I wanted to get her something vagina-related for her birthday. I remember a long time ago seeing you on TV with a stuffed vagina. Did you make yours or buy it? If you bought it, where can I get one like yours?
A The stuffed puppet I took on The Tyra Show a few years ago is called the Wondrous Vulva Puppet and is available from its creator, Dorrie Lane ($125 from houseochicks.com). I bought mine from a Good Vibrations store in Berkeley, California (go figure!). Since then, Dorrie has connected with a women’s cooperative in Peru to make fair-trade vulva puppets that are also more affordable ($85), and now sells mini vulva puppets for $35. If you’re cash-strapped, you can support your girlfriend’s vagina and vulva love by giving her own vagina extra love on her special day through touch, licks or by sprinkling tasty treats on her mons or outer labia—careful not to get anything sugary too close to the vagina, particularly if she’s prone to yeast infections. I’m a huge fan of Tulip’s mint-julep-flavored body sugar ($9.50 at mytulip.com; 3448 N Halsted St), though the brown-sugar flavor is also incredible. She might also like Pussy Pucker Pots vegan lip balm (pussypuckerpots.com) which comes in flavors like Strawberry Snatch, Shaved Peach, Chocolate Ripple Nipple and Vanilla Vulva (my favorite). Please wish her a vulvalicious birthday from me!

Q I started to masturbate when I was 15; I’m now 21. My question is: Will it hurt my sex life when I start having sex? Does masturbation lead to bleeding or any sort of pain? Is this okay to do?
A As long as you’re not interfering with other people’s rights (like, if you were doing it while walking down the street)—you can touch your vulva or vagina twice, thrice or more often throughout the day. Far from being bad for a person’s sex life, masturbation can be a very positive part of women’s and men’s sex lives. If you learn what types of touch feel good to you now, then when you’re with a partner, you can show or tell your partner what feels good to you. Masturbation shouldn’t lead to bleeding or pain, so if you’re experiencing those, please check in with your doctor. To learn why all those crazy “you’ll go blind!” kinds of myths about masturbation have persisted for so long, you might enjoy The Big Book of Masturbation (Down There Press).

Q My girlfriend is always hurting during sex. We’re using lube, in hopes that it’ll make it easier, but sometimes it stings for her. She’s always sore afterward, and the soreness continues the next day. I’m nervous that I’m too big for her and that I’m the cause of her pain. Do you have any suggestions?
A If lube isn’t fixing it after the first few tries, then lube alone is probably not the answer. Plus, some lubes have irritating ingredients that could either be causing the stinging or making any pre-existing stinging worse. About 12 percent of women experience vulvovaginal pain that needs medical attention—check out the National Vulvodynia Association’s website (vulvodynia means vulvar pain) for information. You can also contact it or the International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease for physician referrals. I don’t know how big your penis is or whether her vagina is smaller than average, but in most cases, genitals are able to fit together reasonably well. If either of you have concerns about your genitals being on the very small or very big side, you can ask your health-care provider for honest feedback. She might find it helpful to read The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health (Bantam, $17) for issues related to genital irritation, lubricant use and pain during sex. Keep in mind, too, that intercourse isn’t the only way to have pleasurable sex. If vaginal intercourse is painful, give it a break for a while. Indulge in breast play, sensual touching, mutual oral sex, sexy massages and other things that you both enjoy.

Q At a discussion group, a friend said that her 12-year-old son has been trying to access pornography online. Her parental controls are blocking the porn, but he keeps trying. She has had multiple conversations with him about it and tries to be sex-positive, but she is uncomfortable with his constant effort to view pornography. We all agreed that this is a normal time for him to be curious about bodies, and the books for teens you have mentioned were suggested, but then we started to wonder if she should subtlety supply non-pornographic photos, just normal healthy naked-body photos. What would you have suggested?
A Parents have their own values related to raising their children, so I tread carefully when suggesting ideas for what parents “should” do. That said, I am full of information about what other parents have chosen to do. First, you’re correct that it’s common for 12-year-old boys (and girls) to be curious about bodies and sexuality. Research suggests that most boys begin masturbating within a year or two of puberty and most teenage and adult men have or will masturbate to porn. Many of my male college students talk about finding porn online from a pretty young age (often around ages 8–12). I think it’s wise of parents to use parental controls. If your friend’s son is curious about what adult men and women look like naked, then a site like Naked People, which shows men and women with and without clothing, could be helpful. If, however, he’s curious what people look like when they’re having sex, it’s not going to deliver. Some parents—either for their own interest or for that of their teenagers—keep erotic but non-pornographic materials around their home, particularly materials that give some context to the images, such as The Playboy Book: 50 Years (Taschen, $40) or the newly released Big Butt Book (Taschen, $60). Some parents keep porn in private, but accessible, places such as inside bathroom cabinets or desk drawers—spaces that curious teenagers are likely to stumble across. This gives parents some influence over the types of images their children may see but doesn’t allow for much of an explanation on the parents’ part. I know of one mom who, when her son was older (17 or 18), bought him a Playboy and said she wanted to sit down with him and look at the pictures together so that she could share her own views on those types of images with him. Whether browsing Playboy with his mother was helpful or traumatizing, I don’t know. Parents can’t control the images their children experience, but they can be a good resource for when their kids have questions, and they can talk to them about what they think about porn, masturbation, sex, love, lust and teenage relationships.