Ask Debby Herbenick | Going bare down there and choosing the right vibrator

Q My girlfriend and I were using a vibrator together. Specifically, I was penetrating her from behind with a strap-on while holding a small vibrator on her clit. We were having a great night in bed when I noticed that the vibrator had gotten very hot to the touch and almost even smelled like smoke. Now we’re afraid to use the vibrator again! Was it just a bad vibrator? We’ve never had this happen before.
A Although I hear scary “household object got lost inside the butt” stories pretty often, I don’t hear many scary vibrator stories, unless they have to do with user error—for example, the woman who endured months of clitoral pain after using a vibrator on her clitoris for something like six straight hours. That said, I do sometimes hear “vibrator got hot” stories, often if the vibrator has been used at a high intensity for 20 minutes or more. The vast majority of vibrators on the market are safe to use. Some people have concerns about using sex toys made from jelly or PVCs and prefer potentially less-toxic materials such as medical-grade silicone, hard plastic, glass or hardwood (the latter being for dildos, not vibrators). Now that more high-end and mainstream companies are getting in the game, I think we’ll start seeing more high-quality vibrators that are unlikely to get overheated with use. If you’d like some guidance on choosing a vibrator, check out a shop like Tulip (3448 N Halsted St, mytulip.com), g boutique (2131 N Damen Ave, boutiqueg.com) or Early to Bed (5232 N Sheridan Rd, early2bed.com) that lets you turn the vibrator on and leave it running for a few minutes to see how it sounds and feels. Don’t be afraid to give feedback about your sex toys to the people you bought them from. If your toy overheated, that’s a safety concern, and you could help store owners direct their pleasure-seeking customers to a different, safer toy.

Q I have been with my partner for about six years. My first sexual experience was with her. I haven’t so much as kissed or touched another woman. She is slightly more experienced, but her first full-on sexual experience was with me. Our sex life is great, especially lately, and we have been talking seriously about marriage. I get the feeling, though, that she wishes she had experience with others. Admittedly, I have the same thoughts sometimes regarding my own experience. Is variety the spice of (sex) life? I believe that our relationship is all the stronger because we have only been with each other. I can’t bear the thought of her sleeping with another man. Is this rare—only having had one partner and planning to keep it that way? Would our relationship benefit from some kind of openness, even though it’s not at all what I want (though I often suspect that she may be interested in an open relationship)?
A If one or both of you will only be happy if you have the opportunity to be sexual with others, then yes—opening up your relationship to some degree may make things better. But if you think you need variety just for variety’s sake, or if you really cannot bear the idea of you two being sexual with others, then why go there? Although most people have more than one sexual partner in their lives, not everyone does and some people find it very rewarding and satisfying to only know, and be known by, that one person. Some couples add spice to their sex lives by having sex in front of other couples at sex clubs but not actually being sexual with other people. Some couples open their relationships up just a little bit by giving one or both partners the freedom to kiss someone else, but not go any further. “Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’” is the motto that some relationships go by, and others make room for one or both partners to have lots of sex with others. There is no one way to be monogamous and no one way to be open and, unfortunately, I can’t tell you which relationship structure will best suit you two. You might find it helpful to read Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (WW Norton, $16.95) and The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (Celestial Arts, $16.99) for very different perspectives.

Q I’ve had sex a few times with a guy I don’t know all that well. The other night I went down on him and then when it was my turn, he picked me up and propped me up on his bathroom sink, got out a facecloth, stuck it under the faucet and cleaned me before going down on me. I have to hand it to him: He did it in a sensual way, so I didn’t feel dirty. At the same time, I do feel offended. It’s not like I cleaned him off first. I’m afraid if he does this again that I’ll feel even more offended. Should I say something, or should I turn the tables on him and wash him first?
A If you’re offended by his behavior, then you’re making the assumption that he thinks you’re dirty or that your vulva needs to be cleaned. Maybe he just gets turned on by the process of cleaning you. But why not ask him? You may be pleasantly surprised. And he may like it if you clean his penis off. Some men love the feel of a warm towel on their penis, either as part of foreplay or after a hand job. In fact, some happy-ending masseuses routinely wrap the penis in a warm towel after men ejaculate, and from what I hear it’s a sensation not to be missed. All I’m saying is you might want to talk about it. If he thinks vulvas are dirty, it’s a good chance to educate him or to compromise—for example, maybe you two could shower together before sex. You might even read She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Harper, $15.99) together for cunnilingus inspiration.

Q My wife very much wants me to shave all the hair off my dick and balls. I’m happy to do it for her (she’s bare herself) especially if it’s a turn-on, but I’m a little worried about what my family doctor will think when I go in for my annual exam next week. Doctors see everything, right? Or is it weird for a middle-aged man to show up without pubes? 
A Most of us don’t have jobs that require constant viewing of strangers’ genitals, but doctors do have that job. And I can tell you that doctors have seen pretty much everything. Your doctor likely has no recollection of what you have done with your pubic hair in years past unless you did something so awesome it was worth a note on your chart. If you do something fancy, you might get a raised eyebrow, a laugh or a comment (some doctors have a sense of humor) but in all likelihood, going bare is unlikely to result in any questions or comments unless you get razor burn, ingrown hairs or something else that raises clinical concern. So if you and your wife are into it, have fun and remove it safely (trim first, then shave).

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.

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