Ask Debby Herbenick | Condom bruising and sexual incompatibility

Q I can’t believe you wrote in your column [In&Out, TOC 282] that a standard condom may bruise a man’s penis if he’s “quite large.” You have just lost all credibility because of that incredibly ignorant remark. I took a sex-ed class in college and the professor stretched a condom to fit over his head. Perhaps you should consult a man next time when you get a male-oriented question instead of making something up. What were you thinking?
A What was I thinking? To be honest, I was thinking of all the men who have told me about the bruises they have gotten on their penises. My primary job is as a research scientist and a sex educator. In this capacity, our team has worked on various condom studies, and one thing we have found is that (condom) size matters very much to some men. Standard condoms fit most men just fine. But some men find that standard-sized condoms are too large or small for them. We’ve heard from gay men who have only bottomed, even though they wanted to top, because they couldn’t find a condom that wouldn’t slip off their 2-, 3- or 4-inch erect penis. We’ve also heard from larger-sized men who find condoms to be very uncomfortable or to cause bruises at the base of their penis where the ring is too tight. Just because a condom can stretch and fit over a very large object does not mean that it is comfortable. Try slipping one over your arm or foot and leaving it there for an hour. And lest you think these guys are just bragging, let me assure you that most have approached me expressing embarrassment. We wouldn’t find it acceptable to tell a woman to just “deal with” pain during sex, and I don’t think that message is good enough for men, either. Does this affect most men? Of course not. Most guys can comfortably wear regular-sized condoms—but not everyone.

Q I’m in a relationship with a man who has been using cocaine for the past several months. If I swallow his come, will there be cocaine in my system? Would it show up on a drug test?
A This is a great question and one that, unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get a firm answer to. I spoke with several colleagues who have more expertise in drug testing, and it seems that there were more questions than answers. “How much coke are we talking about?” they asked. Whereas I was wondering how much semen we’re talking about (oh, the differences in our perspectives). But truly: We know from research that certain substances can pass through a man’s body and affect his ejaculate. There are case reports, for example, of women who have had allergic reactions after coming into contact with semen if the woman was allergic to nuts, penicillin or hot peppery types of things and the man had ingested these things. So can coke come out in ejaculate as well? And more importantly, in an amount that would show up on a drug test? It might depend on whether he is a light user or a heavy one, how often you swallow and how sensitive the drug test is. If you are that concerned about drug testing, consider not swallowing his semen unless he goes off the coke. Make sure you don’t come into contact with it in other ways, too, such as swapping a lot of spit if he’s just snorted coke.

Q Is it possible and worth the time to work through a sexual incompatibility? My boyfriend has read many books on pleasing women, yet doesn’t seem open to my suggestions on what I would really like him to do when he’s giving oral. In an effort to not be harsh or critical, I’ve always praised what I like, yet nothing seems to get the point across. I have completely stopped going down on him so as to avoid him wanting to reciprocate—which is frustrating, as this has always been something I enjoyed doing with a vocal recipient! Intercourse is amazingly good, but this is putting a damper on our sex life overall. How difficult is it to overcome communication miscues?
A Is it possible? Sure! Worth your time? Totally individual. The good news is that your boyfriend may be a pleaser—after all, he’s invested the time and money to get and read books about pleasing women sexually. The odd thing is, he doesn’t seem to want to take advice from the one person who holds the key to your vagina: you! It’s great that you’re trying to be sensitive to his ego, and praise certainly has its place, but so do serious sit-down talks. Of course, you have to own up to your own part in this: Withholding oral sex so as to avoid the issue altogether isn’t exactly a win, is it? It’s a form of communication, but a passive-aggressive one. In any case, if sex is otherwise great and if you really like him (you didn’t say anything about whether you like or love him), then why not give it a try? Couples have overcome much harder things. Finally, you might find that if you give it a shot from time to time and open yourself to his techniques (rather than fuming because he’s not doing the technique you asked for), you might actually enjoy it. I suspect that many people get stuck on particular techniques when, really, many of us can learn to be responsive to new forms of touch, licks, thrusts and vibrations.

Q My girlfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time: My penis went in, but then she started bleeding and we couldn’t get it to stop. Eventually she fainted; we took her to the hospital the next day. Both me and her and even the doctor figure she was just bleeding because of her period, which had been overdue. And the doctor said she probably fainted because she was so tired. Now, two months later, we’ve decided we want to give it another try. Both of us fear that the same thing will happen again. What should I do to keep her from bleeding that much?
A It sounds as though her doctor believes that her bleeding was a mere coincidence and had nothing to do with intercourse. Chalk it up to beginner’s luck! If your girlfriend was tired and then misinterpreted the blood as something dangerous, that may be why she fainted. If you and she are both totally on board for having sex again, take it slowly. Be gentle, make sure that you are both very relaxed and confident about moving forward—not so scared that another fainting episode is likely. If you two are worried about this, try having sex during the day when she can easily call her doctor (during open business hours) should she start to bleed again or faint. You two should be fine. You might use a water-based lubricant to make sex feel more comfortable and spend 10 or 20 minutes, if not longer, in foreplay before attempting intercourse. Check out S.E.X. (DaCapo Press, $17.95) for more information about beginning your sex life together.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.

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