Ask Debby Herbenick | What to do with his nipples?

Q My boyfriend gets off when I rub or pull on his nipples as he gets close to climaxing, and I find this really, really sexy. Are there other things I can do to his nipples to make him get off? I lick them and suck on them sometimes, too, but I am looking for other things to do too.
A There are countless things you can do to stimulate your boyfriend’s nipples. So glad you asked! (And hopefully he will be glad you asked, too.) What follows is a partial list. You can use clothespins to clamp his nipples or buy actual nipple clamps, which can be made out of many materials. They even make vibrating nipple clamps that you can find locally at most adult bookstores and sex boutiques. Speaking of vibrations, some people use their vibrator on their partner’s nipples and areolas (the dark pigmented circular area around the nipple). Don’t have a vibrator? Consider getting an inexpensive silver-bullet vibrator with a multispeed dial. Warming lubricant can be fun, as can cooling creams. Suck on a mint then suck on his nipple. Drink hot tea or coffee and then lick or suck his nipples. Lace his nipples with whipped cream and chocolate bits and then have dessert during sex. You might even be able to nibble his nipples as long as he gives permission first and is open to trying it (it’s never a good idea to bite someone without asking). Of course, before you engage in any kind of biting, you will want to make double triple sure that both of you have been tested recently for sexually transmissible infections (STI) including HIV, just in case you accidentally puncture his skin and come into contact with his blood. Back to the fun: Bathe each other, paying special attention to his nipples. And try sucking on his earlobes or licking them, as, for some reason, people who dig nipple play often dig earlobe sex play too. I hope this is a good start.

Q If you get rid of genital warts then get the Gardasil shot, can the warts come back?
A If you get genital warts first and then get Gardasil afterward, then yes, the warts can indeed come back. Gardasil is a vaccine, meaning that it can prevent certain strains of HPV, but it is not a treatment for someone who already has HPV. Fortunately, genital warts don’t always come back anyway. Some people have one noticeable outbreak and then they go away forever. Others have only a few outbreaks that may be separated by months or even years. You can reduce the likelihood of having outbreaks by not smoking (quit if you’re a smoker!) and by doing good things for your immune system such as eating healthy foods, getting lots of sleep and chilling out by meditating, doing yoga, running, praying or whatever helps you calm down when you’re stressed. To learn more about HPV, check out the HPV page on cdc.gov or plannedparenthood.com.

Q I used to have the most incredible sex life with my ex-boyfriend. Problem is, we didn’t get along well outside of the bed, and after a year we broke it off. My current long-term boyfriend and I are headed toward marriage, except our sex life isn’t what I wish it was. He’s great in bed and so am I, at least I think so. But it’s just not nearly as hot as I used to have, and I don’t ever see it being as hot as I’ve had before. It’s very stable and loving but not hot, if you know what I mean. My good friend and her boyfriend have been together for more than a year now, and they have incredible sex and she seems so happy, even though they have other cards stacked against them (her parents hate him and they have a massive age difference). I can’t help but be jealous of them! I hate seeing their pictures on Facebook, and she and I spend less and less time together because I hate seeing their sexual chemistry. My relationship feels so boring compared to her hot-in-the-sack setup. I don’t know what to do to fix my sex life or to stop being so jealous of hers!
A Jealousy sucks and so does being miserable, which it sounds as if you are. Is someone forcing you to stay in this relationship? Do you truly want “stable and loving” or do you want hot? And do you think you can have both? Maybe in your experience you cannot have both. Maybe the hot relationships are with people who drive you crazy. Maybe you even get off on the crazy—that’s certainly a conundrum for many people. That said, I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors with your attitude. Have you considered sex counseling or therapy? Cognitive techniques might give you tools to catch your negative thoughts and turn them into something positive so that you can be better positioned to have better sex and to be a better friend—a friend who can stand to see a pal be happy in life and in bed. Maybe you can even talk to your boyfriend about opening your relationship up. He, too, may be wishing for something more, and maybe you two would dig threesomes or sex parties. The fact is that you sound very unhappy, and I wonder if you’re going to be able to move toward marriage, as you say you are.

Q I’ve read that women whose clit is closer to their vagina have more orgasms than women for whom it is farther away. Is this true? Is there anything that can be done about this? I almost never orgasm during sex, and it makes my husband frustrated.
A It is quite possible that clitoral-vaginal distance plays a role in a woman’s ease of orgasm, although the jury is still out. The small amount of data that suggests this isn’t quite enough to hang your hat—even your best, most orgasmic hat—on just yet. In spite of all the media reports on this very interesting area of science, we still know very little. And the smidge of data that does exist shows that some women with a very tiny distance between their clitoris and vagina reported difficulty with orgasm, while some women with a larger distance reported easy orgasms. In other words, it’s not set in stone, no matter how you’re built. If you want to learn to enhance your orgasmic ease, check out Becoming Orgasmic ($16, Fireside) or my book, Because It Feels Good ($21.99, Rodale). Spend time pleasuring your own body, with or without a vibrator. During vaginal intercourse, try the coital alignment technique (which you can find in my book), a sex position that’s been found to help many women learn to experience orgasm. Focusing on sex for fun and pleasure—rather than with a goal of getting off—can also end up being more orgasmic. Those are some things to try. However, please consider how important orgasms during sex really are to you, as you said only that it frustrates your husband. Perhaps you can explain to him that you like sex as it is, even if orgasms don’t come during intercourse (do you orgasm during masturbation? Oral sex? Or is orgasm not important to you?). And maybe he can listen to you, believe you and find other things to focus on.