Ad it up
With advertisers shelling out a record $2.6 million for 30 seconds of airtime during your Bears' march to victory, we got to wondering how some of our favorite Monsters of the Midway might spend that kind of loot.
1.Two Lovie Smiths $1.35 million each
The Bears’ head coach is the lowest-paid play-caller in the league, garnering a paltry $1.35 million per year. The team’s front office fell asleep at the wheel when it opted to not lock him in to a multiyear extension after last year’s Coach of the Year campaign, and it’ll pay through the nose for that faux pas. Especially after Smith led the Blue and Orange to the promised land and a first-year head coach nabbed just under $5 million a year to helm the Atlanta Falcons.
2.A Denny’s franchise $1.96 million
Instead of beating up on nerds at the home of the Grand Slam (less than 24 hours after signing a $21 million contract with the Bears, no less), the Bears might have saved Ricky Manning Jr. the embarrassment of pleading no-contest to felony assault by purchasing the rights to a Denny’s so he could stage his own version of Celebrity Boxingby pummeling poindexters like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs in the dining room.
3.Baby Urlacher $812,670* plus lots of incidentals
Child support, four years at the University of New Mexico, more than a few summers at the Chicago Bears youth football camp and diaper service for that bouncing baby Urlacher boy. And we mean a whole shitload (pun intended) of diaper service. While we’d never knock the miracle of childbirth, we kind of wish Urlacher wouldn’t have chosen to spread his seed with a woman who’s being sued by Michael Flatley (yup, the Lord of the Dance) for extortion.
4.Cheerleaders 35 Honey Bears @ $74,000/year
The team’s pep squad got the boot after the last Super Bowl, as its contract was up and new owner Virginia McCaskey wasn’t having it. Why not bring them back—at least for one season—and pay them a reasonable salary for their services (see page 8)? We figure the family known for “throwing nickels around like manhole covers” could pony up to bankroll the Honey Bears for a little halftime razzle-dazzle.