Heard on the street, April 14, 2011, edition

Doesn’t he look like Steve Bartman in those earmuffs?

“Have you ever seen a trouser snake?” “No, what is that?” “Here’s a hint: Trousers are another word for pants.”

You don’t want your mom hitting your ass with a tambourine at other people’s bat mitzvahs.

I was okay until I was 40, then something just snapped. Now the government pays me to be crazy.

“Got some new kicks?” “I’m sorry, what?” “Got some new kicks?” “Oh, shoes. You mean shoes.”

My mom flushed a salamander down the toilet.

It’s, like, he cares, but I don’t know if he cares enough, you know?

Herding gays is like herding cats.

I know I can come off as a dick, but I would never do that to her.

So the cleaning ladies found my condoms and dreadlocks this week.