Heard on the street, May 18, 2011, edition

“Do you want to start worshipping Satan with me?” “Dude, I’m not religious.”

I like the idea of auto correct on my phone as a parent that doesn’t want me to swear.

Thing is, man, those conversations you have before marriage—you gotta throw all that shit out the window.

Where do girls hide their boobs all winter?

But is he evil gay?

It’s so beautiful out! I wanna stick my you-know-what in this day.

My cat tried going outside last night and I was like, “Bitch, check yoself!”

That woman is breast-feeding in the hansom cab.

It’s like Steamworks but with chicken wire.

If you play, I’ll be there…unless I’ve got something else going on or I’m tired.

I don’t want you having babies. I don’t know if you’re using protective sex mechanisms.