Heard on the street, August 4, 2011, edition

Only one thing he can do right: shit.

We live in Baskin-Robbins times. Why just stick to vanilla?

Notice that there are no fat gays in this bar.

The Earth needs to be stepped on. It needs to feel used.

“Are you friends with benefits or dating?” “No, we hang out sober.”

Did you just say chicken-fried dick?

“Everyone thinks this portrait of my father looks like Hitler.” “That looks more like Mike Ditka.”

He was a New York bitch.

“Is she cool?” “Um, I don’t really like anybody.”

I’ve been beaten up by sailors! I didn’t even know I was having a true S&M experience.

It’s like every gangbanger’s dream: two pit bulls and a naked girl.

Ooh, girl, I got a friend who was on Judge Mathis.