Heard on the street, December 29, 2011, edition

I ain’t tryin’ to go to no doctor. Their job’s just to find something wrong with you.

You should’ve eaten a banana at the liquor store.

“Who would play you in a movie?” “A transgender Geena Davis.”

Only thing that’s crazy about me is you.

Maybe she should sue God for making her nose like that.

At any moment, there could be 40 boobs onstage.

I work with vaginas all week. There’s nothing I haven’t seen.

If you buy one more reduced-fat salad dressing, I’m going to flip the fuck out!

I hope 2012 is a good year; I gotta pay for a bar mitzvah.

Is she a hoarder by chance?

My mom ended up telling her mom all the shit that happened.

Social butterfly? More like social Mothra.