Heard on the street, June 14, 2012, edition

If I was ever in a knife fight, I’d want you on my team.

Ever since reading the ingredients list of Cool Whip, I haven’t been able to eat certain things.

What I want to do today is smoke dope and have sex with someone I enjoy looking at.

I don’t eat breakfast, but I would totally eat biscuits and gravy with you.

We’re studying for my citizenship test.

I didn’t know how serious it was. I didn’t even know I was shot!

My parents peer pressure me to smoke all the time.

You’ve seen his penis. How do you not know what his face looks like?

I’m on so much bath salts, they should call me Bed Bath & Beyond.

“Wouldn’t it be great if we had a pool boy?” “I’d prefer a ranch hand.”