Heard on the street, July 26, 2012, edition

Are Chicagoans really nicer than people in other cities? I’ve found there to be an even mix of nice people and dicks all over.

I’d have more gray hairs if I weren’t fucking bald.

The last thing you need is an accelerant.

Mother Nature was my stylist today. Nasty bitch!

I’m self-basting.

People don’t really want to hear about your stomach getting cut open.

Did he say “I’m the only vendor” or “I’m on an alcoholic bender”?

Those sandals look like a boot from the ankle up, and below, a leather daddy’s underwear.

“My mom isn’t all about Obama, either.” “Yeah, but she’s not all annoying about it.”

I’m tired of pictures of food. I don’t give a fuck about your smoked brisket!

Let’s get high and watch The Lion King.