Heard on the street, August 2, 2012, edition

I asked Jeeves if they still make Gatorade gum.

Exhaustion isn’t my thing. I’m more of an ulcers type of gal.

I always have a weird taste in my mouth. It’s called bile.

Oh, my God, I feel like we’re in Cher’s bedroom.

“I replaced your melatonin with roofies.” “I don’t care as long as I go to sleep.”

I’d get fired before I’d fuck you.

That ginger had the most hideous mustache.

He looks like a mutt dog Pierce Brosnan.

I could be sweet as sugar or hard as hell—you’d still find a reason to go off!

We’re listening to ’90s white-person reggae.

All I think about is suicide and pussy.

You got to suck dick around here to get ice.

Hi, bitch.