Heard on the street, August 9, 2012, edition

They don’t give scholarships for the shit I want to do.

We’re not a dive bar. We’re a neighborhood bar.

Stop envisioning my untimely demise!

C’mon, man! I’m partially your girl.

“It’s not sexism. It’s appreciation.” “Okay, Hugh Hefner.”

You should never wear a T-shirt with a picture of someone who’s hotter than you on it.

That’s where people poop on the street in the day.

My spirit animal is the hog.

I get hit on at work, and I’m like, “Just wanna get my carrots out of the fridge, man.”

You would be an idiot not to order a Crave Crate. As long as these prices I’m seeing are correct, that’s 69 cents a slider.

Melissa let me sign a titty once in Texas.