Heard on the street, September 6, 2012, edition

Do you ever watch Tom Skilling and touch yourself?

“You just know the Blue Angels pilots have such hard-ons right now.” “The g-forces get the blood flowing south.”

I’m having my mom send me all my Bright Eyes T-shirts from high school so I can wear them all at the same time.

Why do aquarium stores and porn shops smell the same?

I give really enthusiastic head. Sometimes I throw my neck out.

Can’t you see that I’m in the depths of crazy despair right now?

Never mind. I love Robert Redford. It’s Burt Reynolds that I hate.

You don’t look like a Christmas tree to me!

Did you just say you have a cock ring in your butt?

I’ve shit my pants in at least two countries.