Heard on the street, September 12, 2012, edition

Do you feel like I mansplain?

It was a guitar solo so blistering it made her nipples hard.

That looks really hot and yeast infection-y.

I really don’t want a fortune cookie hitting me on the head. That’s how you know you’re having a bad day.

He looks kinda like a pretty girl who had a really bad month.

You’re already straying from your hypothetical relationship?

I’m through fuckin’ with boo-boo—to the extreme!

She almost had the ultimate STD: a baby.

His family was too cheap to move where the Jews live.

That was Waiting for Guffman gay.

I’m the Oprah of peer pressure.

When you hear the word bulbous, you automatically think of boys in basketball shorts.