Heard on the street, November 22, 2012, edition

I don’t want to tell some guy that his wife has a muffin top.

My appletini is my laxative.

Are your arteries gurgling?

Please! She was born to be a fag hag, with the hair and the martinis.

“Your bladder must think you’re a bitch.” “More like a twat.”

FUPA? I’m going to have to confess my ignorance.

People who take the elevator from the first floor to the second floor are such dicks.

No, this is a regular video store. If you want to put a dildo inside of you, you gotta go somewhere else.

I have to keep doing private sessions on Spotify so people don’t know that I listen to Demi Lovato 16 times a day.

Did someone put Visine in my pizza?

The people on Hoarders are just misunderstood.