Heard on the street, November 29, 2012, edition

This bar is the reason the world is overpopulated.

Can’t wait to see your horribly scarred visage that you’ve kept from public view like the Phantom of the Opera.

Yeah, but I’ve also never met someone who couldn’t hang out because he “ate too much pizza.”

I’d feel obligated to pee on them. I’d feel bad if they came all that way. I’d have to pee on them!

Noel Gallagher said Jack White looks like Zorro on doughnuts.

Do you need ChapStick on your lips? Do you want me to come on them?

You could wear his armpits as mittens—not in Texas, though.

I was crowning in the car.

Don’t you imagine the Iranian planes looking like the enemy jets in Top Gun?