Heard on the street, December 20, 2012, edition

Getting drunk is their version of having kids.

Did someone just say genocide and laugh?

I was going to get into the ministry, but then I realized I could love God and a penis.

You’ve got a cootie up your doody shooty.

That shit keeps you skinny and gives you self-esteem.

I’d like a motorcycle, but I can’t have one because I’m a Jew.

Macaroni is like the Rodney Dangerfield of mac and cheese.

I’m sorry, I have trouble hearing girls with my underwear on.

Some red wine and yoga will fix you right up.

I get a text from this motherfucker saying he’s chained to a gurney.

So, my former TA formed a cult.

I’m a natural-born porn star, what can I say?