Heard on the street, February 7, 2013

So that’s what Ira Glass looks like. I thought he was a black woman.

Oh, is that what your cult believes?

It’s been a very teetotaling week for me, so I’m ready to go all out.

That bass player is a dude. He just has a really good body.

A guy outside Planned Parenthood was like, “You want a baby? I’ll give you a baby.”

It’s healthy, I swear. I got it from Whole Foods.

Which of your silver-spoon friends worked at Kmart?

Did I tell you about the time we trolled a GameStop employee?

Every time a baby cries, my uterus shrinks.

I told him I don’t know a lot about cottage cheese but that it’s not good enough for him.

Everyone knows you’re a big fag. It doesn’t mean you’re not also a big jerk.