Heard on the street, March 7, 2013, edition

If you have an ass-liver, you’re president of the fraternity.

I’d rather be clam slapped than wiener whacked.

“My name is Gregor.” “I am Gregor, too!”

I carry a personal ChapStick and a guest ChapStick, in case anyone asks.

When I get into a cab and they have paper towels, I get nervous. I have a puke fear. It’s a problem.

“I’ve never been anywhere in the Caribbean.” “I’ve never been anywhere.”

I’m tired and farty.

Remember how I was going to write that cover letter? Well, now I’m looking at Moroccan poufs on Overstock.com.

I bet you homed in on my birthing hips.

Her dildo’s name is Jesus.

I must get a breath of fresh air. I’m being choked by your corpulence.