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I don't want to put my penis in something called the Cobra.
Growing up in the south, I got my fair fucking share of Civil War sites.
If I had Twitter, everyone would know I'm on drugs.
Can we switch our order to to go? Turns out we're too fucked up to eat it here.
If you buy me a gigolo I'm going to have sex on your bed.
You can’t sweep up vomit.
I’m checking my trunk for creeps.
I walked into Cafe Mustache and was like, ‘You’re that kid who looks like my dentist!’
I didn't know what I should do, so I got drunk.