Heard on the street, March 6, 2008, edition

As a woman, I feel sorry for Hillary Clinton because she doesn’t have time to work out.

By title I’m a project manager at Home Depot. You want something painted, you come to me.

Casey Affleck really reminds me of Alicia Silverstone.

That’s fine if you want to make out with a 24-year-old chubby girl from Elgin. I’ll be at home watching TV.

If my son plays one more video game, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind.

That’s because she has no tastebuds…she’s Lithuanian or something and grew up eating cabbage.

I’d really like to get a baseball bat to smash your father with.

You’re the only animal I ever slept with.

I want to sleep with an ugly girl, but I can’t find one.

I think if I promised hot dance beats, it would all be downhill from there.

You should go to Old Navy. They’re always about a year and a half ahead.