Heard on the street

Oh my God, you would look so hot pregnant.

Their lake house is the kind of place you see on a Viagra commercial or something.

You aren’t that stacked. Why are you standing so far from the urinal?

Seeing you unable to ride your bike everywhere is like seeing a pelican covered in crude oil.

So now I talk to my daughter like she’s a girl I’m dating.

“You went on a date with Derek Jeter?” “That was, like, four years ago.”

When it gets to Hitler, it’s always amusing.

I wanna see Jenny catch a shrimp in her tits.

The one thing you don’t want to do is wake up next to your friend in prison.

I don’t need much knee hair.

Once people start talking about boobs, you can’t stop looking.

I don’t want to be cremated because if there is a zombie apocalypse, I don’t want to miss out on all the fun.

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