Heard on the street

Whiskey and Benadryl—his mom was even on board.

All my pants are party pants.

That’s a terrible idea. Like reading Goosebumps and Animorphs at the same time.

I almost had Tourette syndrome and lashed out!

“He followed me the whole way, walking.” “Well, you’re in a Puerto Rican neighborhood and you’re very beautiful.”

Fuck you! If you come to my birthday without presents, you can fucking leave.

Pulling out works better than cellophane.

Waldo! I found you! What do I get?

“I love playing in the rain. God wants us to win.” “You sound like a Notre Dame fan.”

You could’ve eaten my puke. It looked just like chili.

Look at the crack on the sidewalk. This place is getting as bad as Mexico.

I love the Bee Gees, but I can never remember which one is dead.

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