Heard on the street
Whiskey and Benadryl—his mom was even on board.
All my pants are party pants.
That’s a terrible idea. Like reading Goosebumps and Animorphs at the same time.
I almost had Tourette syndrome and lashed out!
“He followed me the whole way, walking.” “Well, you’re in a Puerto Rican neighborhood and you’re very beautiful.”
Fuck you! If you come to my birthday without presents, you can fucking leave.
Pulling out works better than cellophane.
Waldo! I found you! What do I get?
“I love playing in the rain. God wants us to win.” “You sound like a Notre Dame fan.”
You could’ve eaten my puke. It looked just like chili.
Look at the crack on the sidewalk. This place is getting as bad as Mexico.
I love the Bee Gees, but I can never remember which one is dead.